Sunday, August 02, 2009

Speaking of Things "Anonymous"...OOPS, I meant a Conversation Between Bo and Blaine after Blaine's Lone Shopping Venture to the "Whole Foods" Market

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Bo: (feeling guilty because she hadn't gone shopping with him, opting instead to stay home to pout due to being in a bad humor for the last couple of days): "So did you get all the stuff that I'll need to pack in your lunch boxes for this next week?"

Blaine: (Acting somewhat subdued, appearing troubled.....) "Yeah, I think I got everything...."

Pause.....during which time Bo unpacks the shopping sacks and then, upon finishing this task, joins Blaine in the living room to watch a funny movie called "Legally Blonde" and then its sequel, "Red, White, and Blonde" (where Elle goes to Washington).....

Blaine: (looking as if he wanted to unburden himself) "But...you know, Bo... it just wasn't the same for me, shopping without you, you know...."

Bo: (mildly curious--and starting to get a little disturbed--- because she wanted to feel flattered but she KNEW BETTER...) "Why on earth would you give a crap whether I was there or not?"

Blaine: "Well, Bo, it...um...occasioned to happen that I... I....I had to fart really, really BADLY, Bo!"

Bo: (starting to laugh) "Oh, ho, HO, Blaine! So you couldn't feel comfortable farting in a grocery store because you had nobody to blame it on, right? Like all those times you've farted loudly, like a Duke Ellington trombone, in Walmart while we're grocery shopping--- and then you always exclaim: 'BO'??--- like it was me who did it, right??!!!"

Blaine (to Bo's astonishment--- as Blaine outright admitted it, in deadly seriousness---and even in rather severe distress) "EXACTLY, Bo! But you weren't there and so I didn't know what to do! I had to.... to hold it in! And...well.... I just couldn't keep on holding it in.....and so finally I had to absolutely let some of it out---but I had to let it out QUIETLY......."

Bo: (by now rolling on the floor laughing out loud, and nearly peeing her pants herself) "QUIETLY, Blaine? Is that even possible for you? And for SHAME, Blaine! You actually let out a fart "quietly" in that hoity-toity, high class yuppie store called 'Whole Foods'? HEH! Oh no, NOT THERE, Blaine! Not at 'Whole Foods'! And anyways, Blaine, I always thought that it was nigh on IMPOSSIBLE for you to let out a fart 'quietly' anywhere--- no matter WHERE you were! So tell me---which aisle were you on when this happened, for God's sakes?"

Blaine: (still deadly serious and looking even worsely troubled ) (is "worsely" a word?) "It... it was on the coffee aisle--- and a big fat lady was blocking me with her cart. And so I had to quietly let out a little bit of the fart just to get around her and get out of that aisle....."

Bo: (choking and hiccuping with laughter, tears rolling out of her eyes) "So what? You got around that lady---and then you finished your grand fart on the next aisle? What aisle was that?"

Blaine: (still deadly serious) "Well....I finally escaped to the next aisle, the baking goods aisle.... but then THAT whole aisle was clogged with every shopping woman in the world, too! So naturally I knew that I couldn't let out the rest of that giant fart there! And so I quietly let out a little bit more of it---but when I did, the smell was so putrid it made my eyes water! So I knew I had to get out of there quickly---- which meant that I had to rush to the next damn aisle to finish it!"

Bo: (now laughing so hard her stomach hurt, but she didn't want to let an earlier injustice lie un-defendended) "Blaine! You idiot! You shouldn't have called that lady 'fat'---you have a huge beer belly and are no skinny-minny yourself! But....uh....back to your endless fart----you say it was so....um....putrid?....that you actually had to go finish letting it out on a THIRD AISLE?"

Blaine: (looking as if he had just been to the Confessional) "Yep, I did. I finally had to let the rest of it out. And ironically enough, it was on the air-freshener aisle...but, Bo....do you... do you think that any of those people on the three aisles knew...knew that the fart came from... from ME???......"

Bo: (In a very self-satisfied and fake-solemn way) "I am only going to tell you the same thing that everybody else in America would say to a person who tries to let out an anonymous, sneaky, surreptitious fart....."

"He who smelt it, dealt it!!"

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7 comments:

Anonymous said...

My daughter came back from a baby shower the other day and told me that her fart was so bad, the pregnant mother vomited!

Anonymous, to protect the guilty.

Madame Hook. said...

Omigosh that was too funny!!! When I was younger, my brothers would do that to me. Once my oldest made an older lady gag and shoot a death stare at me. Best shopping trip ever.

Anonymous said...

You guys are too funny! My husband always does that sort of thing and I just want to scream!

Anonymous said...

OMG, I can soooooo relate to you guys!

Anonymous said...

What is it with men and their...flatulence???? Usually it seems to entertain them, but I guess they need somebody to blame it on!

Anonymous said...

There's a guy in our office who does that---but he actually doesn't think we "know" that it's him.

MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

GEEZE, Blaine. Fart in the fish aisle, not in the bread aisle!!! Men. You have to teach them *everything*.

(Of course, the whole concept of farting throughout WF's cracks me up to no end!)