Tuesday, June 22, 2010




Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?

Who holds the stars up in the sky?

Is true love just once in a lifetime?

Did the captain of the Titanic cry?.....

("Someday We'll Know", New Radicals)


I'm so lonely and sad today that I have been reduced to listening to sad songs like "Shannon", "Maybe Tomorrow", and the theme from the movie "Platoon". I'm so lonely that I've been crying pitifully since about 9:30 this morning.

When our houseguest Jon left.

Hell, I'm crying as I write this.

I was extremely lonely before Jon came. Being too afraid of going out of the house most of the time--especially in a self-imposed "hermit-ism"--- is a wicked kind of solitude---and loneliness.

For weeks Jon was here, staying with us, because he was searching for work. He lives in Texas. And he's one of Blaine's best friends, left behind when Blaine and I moved here to Kansas after getting married. But lately, the construction work of which Jon has always made his living dried up down in his area of Texas. And, as it turned out, it wasn't much better here. He came up here to seek work but the past few weeks were cruel to him---and his finances are so depleted now that he was reduced to borrowing money from Blaine. As it stands, he's in a very real and true danger of losing his house. He needs so many prayers....so many prayers.....

And so today, after fruitless weeks of looking for steady work in the surrounding area, he was forced to leave and see if his fortunes would fare better in Dallas, where he has a couple friends in the construction business who might be able to hook him up with work.

I got so used to Jon being here. He would make phone calls inquiring about work---and then wait anxiously for answers. As he waited, sad and frustrated, he would sit down in the living room playing online poker on his computer and watching TV---and I would sit upstairs in my studio making jewelry and watching my TV. He is a very large man. But he was a gentle giant. He helped me stake my tomato plants as they grew. He played TV "Jeopardy" with me. I helped him watch after his two rambunctious Chinese pug dogs. And he sat, protectively near me, when I was forced to go outside the house to a family dinner this past weekend. And he replaced a burned out lightbulb in my bathroom when Blaine kept forgetting. I made his salads at dinner time. And I washed his dishes along with mine and Blaine's.

He became part of our lives.

And then this morning he finally had to leave, to go in search of work in Dallas, since the construction work here was apparently no better than that in his home city of Austin, Texas. And he's usually the type of unemotional guy who just leaves without a word. But this morning he came upstairs to my studio to tell me he was leaving.

I told him I wished he didn't have to go....but he had to go. I told him he was in both mine and Blaine's prayers. He looked reluctant when he walked out the front door.

And I had no idea how hard I would take his leaving....

I had enjoyed having a longtime friend in the house.....but now he's gone.

And so I'm alone again---just like before he came. And having had a good friend in the house for so long makes my solitude and loneliness all the worse.

Anyway, all I'm left with is the plants of my deck garden, my jewelry hobby, and two grumpy ass cats. Leonard is nowhere to be found right now. And Little Baby is not speaking with me for some reason. Perhaps she thinks it's my fault that Jon left. Twice this morning she distinctly turned her back on me.

So I don't even have her to cry with today....

And so I fill my lonely hours with my hobby---jewelry making. I've made a lot of jewelry in the last few weeks, and I guess I must keep on going in that pursuit, as my shrinks and therapists all encourage me to do. If you won't get too bored I'll show you some pictures of the things I've made. I have lots of other pendants and beads made but haven't strung them yet. I know some of you have seen the following pictures already on my Twitter account but I'm hoping these are better snapshots (in better lighting) than those. (If you click on the pictures they'll get bigger for a better look.)

Below is the one I like the best. It is a picture of Michael the Archangel.

Below is a couple pendants I made. The pendant on the left is one I made. The one on the right is one I bought.

And below are the fruits of my labor---from my deck garden. My plants (and asshole cats) will be the only beings I can talk to during these long, hot days now. I have been faithfully harvesting whichever snap beans (haricot verts) look ripe each day----and I keep adding them, one by one, to a freezer bag--- to freeze them until I get enough of them to make a dish out of. And the picture at the top of this blog post is that of my Topsy Turvy cherry tomato plant. Notice the red tomato teasing me to pick it. But I'm going to wait till it's truly ripe.

I'm crying so much that I can't see the computer screen very well so you'll have to excuse any spelling or grammar errors.

What a damn FOOL I am to be such a frigging idiot---such a big damn baby!

Below is a pink mosaiced pendant I made.

And below is a haphazard necklace I made with very large, multi-colored glass beads.

And below is another of my favorites, the pendant which has a picture of The Mourning Angel on it. And that's about how I feel today---like I'm in mourning. I'm walking around the house crying as I do my chores. I hope I can stop crying long enough to water the plants of my deck garden. It's very hot outside and they need water---but I don't want either of my neighbors to see me bawling like a complete fool.

Below are some buttons I made.

And below is another guilded necklace I made.

And another one below.....

I guess that's it for the jewelry fashion show. I'll keep on making things.

Anyway, it's back to the days of solitude, where I wait endless hours for Blaine to come home from work---or the appointments with my therapists. But the house feels so awfully empty without Jon. But I need to stop crying. I don't want Blaine to see me like this. He wouldn't understand.

Blaine truly tries to understand my mood problems as best he can, but he generally leaves it up to the shrinks and therapists to understand better. He supports me in my various therapies---and my hobbies ---but he has no idea what to do when I cry. He gets frustrated and angry that he can't "fix it".

But there is no fixing it, really....


Through early morning fog I see

visions of the things to be,

the pains that are withheld for me,

I realize and I can see

That suicide is painless,

It brings on many changes,

and I can take or leave it if I please...

("Suicide is Painless", Johnny Mandel)




Anonymous said...

hey Bo!
I'm still here!
I understand how empty a house can feel when you are the only one there, I catch myself pacing from window to window.
Please don't be so sad! Make something really, really colourful

Anonymous said...

ps I love those new buttons too!
I think I've developed a "thing" for buttons!!!

Bo... said...

Thank you, Donna! I'll do as you advise and make something colorful! I have some colorful glass beads that are begging to be strung onto a necklace!

Anonymous said...

The lyrics you posted at the end of this piece have me worried about you. Are you okay?

Bo... said...

Yes, Anonymous---thank you for asking. I'm not suicidal. I put in a call to my therapist and talking to him helped me hang on. I'm determined to get past this difficult thing. I appreciate that you are concerned---that cheers me up immensely to know that I've got such good friends like you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Bo,

I have followed your blog for a very long time but I have never commented before. Sorry to hear you're feeling so low today. Hang in there. Better days are ahead I am sure.
Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your life and creativity online.


Bo... said...

Thank you very much, Karen!

Anonymous said...


Your beads are great, and i LOVE those buttons....

but don't put down your knitting FOREVER! I loved your knitting, and you have so much talent.


Bo... said...

Thank you very much, Jennifer! Don't worry---I won't put down the knitting forever!!

tottergirl said...

Oh Bo, you are not a silly fool. You are a loving wonderful person, already missing your friend. (I pray he will find work in Dallas.)

I know it is always hard to be the one left behind. And the house can feel so empty. Well, bug the cat even if she is ignoring you. She will likely bite you for your trouble, but do it anyway. Give Blaine a hug, he probably needs cheering up too. I've found that giving comfort can sometime comfort me too.

And lastly, I LOVE your buttons!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sue said...

A really big hug for you! Prayers for your friend that he might find work that pays the bills and is satisfying.

susan said...

I think you should knit something, after all it is a friend. Keep up the good work...you almost have a totaly red, ripe tomato!!! Yum!

Will be thinking about you in the days to come!


Anonymous said...

I think you're improving... the jewelry, if not the mood.

Just keep breathing... it gets better so I'm told.


Bo... said...

Thank you, you guys. I don't know what I'd do without you!!! You cheer me up so much, which helps me hang on in the difficult and depressing periods. I do appreciate you all---thank you again for your support!

aj said...

Ah, Bo,
You've got two reasons for sadness. First is being alone after finally adjusting to someone. You'll deal with that. The other is sadness for your friend and the loss of his dreams - when he left it was supposed to be to another job. It hurts when friends are hurting and you cannot fix it - frustration and anger and sadness. He's on my prayer list (as are you).

Bo... said...

AJ: I think you hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how I am feeling. Thank you very much for the prayers. It is greatly appreciated.

Cindy/KS said...

{{{HUGS BO}}}

You have my number - know you can use it to call! I have had a few issues with connecting to the internet & was extremely tired yesterday, so am thinking you must have posted this after I left work.

It is natural to feel lonely at times like this - we let people into our lives, our personal space & when they are gone, we feel lost without them. And like someone else said, you also feel sad that his leaving isn't in a joyful I found a job way, but instead is in a beaten down way. It can't stay low forever, but there are no guarantees when it comes to him keeping his house either - at least not without that job he so wants.

Anyway, hang in there, make something colorful or knit something new - something to improve your spirits. If you don't open blinds or curtains - open them & let some sunlight in. Buy some flowers (or get Blaine to - doesn't have to be expensive ones, just colorful ones), go for a walk, play some upbeat music - play it loud! Make the cats jump out of their fur! lol Put on your wildest outfit or most colorful socks - put on wild makeup - anything to brighten things up & maybe even make yourself laugh a bit! And remember - this too shall pass!

Bo... said...

Thank you, Cindy!!! You always do cheer me up! I'm going to do as many things as you suggested as possible!!

Mary said...

I am glad to hear that your therapists are preparing you for your sister's gala because that will be too good to miss. Just remember that while people can see you, they can't see the real you inside. It is so exciting. I am happy for your sister. It's great.

Bo... said...

Thank you, Mary!

Cindy/KS said...

Bo - i went over & read Maggie's entire blog. Wanted to get a feel of things before I commented on any specifics. I have just finished it.

I can't say I have seen anything really where you talked about her or her experiences except for her blog post about her questioning if the things you are going through are real. The same could probably be said for her as well as all of us. Unless a person truly knows us (& living with someone isn't even enough for that sometimes) then they can really only go by their own experiences & what they read. And I can relate to things both of you talk about.

But having said that, I think she has made some assumptions based on her life experience and her preconceived ideas of what a person should do in different life events. But as I have told at least 2 of my kids - unless everything is exactly the same down the line, none of us can truly judge or know what the other person is going through. I know that I was well on my way to becoming a hermit before my kids got into school. I still don't like making phone calls for instance, but I work on the phone a lot in my job - but usually it is people calling me, which I can handle. I feel like having my children & not wanting to be the uninvolved mother that I had, forced me to move outside myself. Then I have had 3 different jobs that have helped me further. Until about a year ago, I would have never dreamed of going to a class reunion, but last September - with my son as my escort, I did just that! In high school I had been so shy I would cry just answering rollcall. And I didn't make friends. But since getting on Facebook, I have gotten brave enough to request former classmates as friends & we have gotten to know each other through fb & now I have gotten brave enough to go meet some in person! I would have never done that pre-fb. But over the years I have been told that people thought I was stuck up because of my shyness. I am sure there were other assumptions because of it. None of it is true, but it was based on others preconceived ideas of how things should be.

Maggie is making assumptions based on how she feels a person should react or how they should handle things. I could make assumptions based on what I have read there, but since I don't know her, I won't do that - they would be based in my life experience & my feelings of right & wrong.

To me, that is the true reason to have any bad feelings about what she has posted - the fact that she doesn't appear to be trying to understand that something that is normal for her might not be normal for you. Or something that might be hard for her, but that she can still make herself do, could be impossible for you to accomplish. Each of us are different & have different tolerance levels & different comfort levels. That doesn't make any of us right or wrong for anyone other than possibly ourselves!

So having said all that - I wouldn't let her get to you & If I were her, I wouldn't let you get to her - each of us are different & if we were all alike, it would be a very boring world! And I hope both of you have a good weekend! I am sure going to try to myself, although my issues with my neck are making it a bit difficult since it is also causing headaches. But I know if it gets intolerable, I can go back to the chiro for an in-between adjustment or I could now run over to Wichita & have my sil do an adjustment on me. I plan though to go dress shopping for the July 31 wedding of my oldest - but know I will probably end up in the fabric store getting patterns & fabric - will just have to go to Wichita for it since we don't have very much in the way of fabric selection here in town.

Bo... said...

Thanks, Cindy!

Anonymous said...

Sorry for your sorrow
Sorry for your fears
Sorry for the flood of tears

Prayers for your sorrow
Cyberhugs for your fears
Wish I had teleporter
To send tissue for your tears.

Yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme but even in poetry it's the thought that counts.

God bless

Bo... said...

Thank you very much, Charlene.