Loneliness....

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Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?

Who holds the stars up in the sky?

Is true love just once in a lifetime?

Did the captain of the Titanic cry?.....

("Someday We'll Know", New Radicals)

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I'm so lonely and sad today that I have been reduced to listening to sad songs like "Shannon", "Maybe Tomorrow", and the theme from the movie "Platoon". I'm so lonely that I've been crying pitifully since about 9:30 this morning.

When our houseguest Jon left.

Hell, I'm crying as I write this.

I was extremely lonely before Jon came. Being too afraid of going out of the house most of the time--especially in a self-imposed "hermit-ism"--- is a wicked kind of solitude---and loneliness.

For weeks Jon was here, staying with us, because he was searching for work. He lives in Texas. And he's one of Blaine's best friends, left behind when Blaine and I moved here to Kansas after getting married. But lately, the construction work of which Jon has always made his living dried up down in his area of Texas. And, as it turned out, it wasn't much better here. He came up here to seek work but the past few weeks were cruel to him---and his finances are so depleted now that he was reduced to borrowing money from Blaine. As it stands, he's in a very real and true danger of losing his house. He needs so many prayers....so many prayers.....

And so today, after fruitless weeks of looking for steady work in the surrounding area, he was forced to leave and see if his fortunes would fare better in Dallas, where he has a couple friends in the construction business who might be able to hook him up with work.

I got so used to Jon being here. He would make phone calls inquiring about work---and then wait anxiously for answers. As he waited, sad and frustrated, he would sit down in the living room playing online poker on his computer and watching TV---and I would sit upstairs in my studio making jewelry and watching my TV. He is a very large man. But he was a gentle giant. He helped me stake my tomato plants as they grew. He played TV "Jeopardy" with me. I helped him watch after his two rambunctious Chinese pug dogs. And he sat, protectively near me, when I was forced to go outside the house to a family dinner this past weekend. And he replaced a burned out lightbulb in my bathroom when Blaine kept forgetting. I made his salads at dinner time. And I washed his dishes along with mine and Blaine's.

He became part of our lives.

And then this morning he finally had to leave, to go in search of work in Dallas, since the construction work here was apparently no better than that in his home city of Austin, Texas. And he's usually the type of unemotional guy who just leaves without a word. But this morning he came upstairs to my studio to tell me he was leaving.

I told him I wished he didn't have to go....but he had to go. I told him he was in both mine and Blaine's prayers. He looked reluctant when he walked out the front door.

And I had no idea how hard I would take his leaving....

I had enjoyed having a longtime friend in the house.....but now he's gone.

And so I'm alone again---just like before he came. And having had a good friend in the house for so long makes my solitude and loneliness all the worse.

Anyway, all I'm left with is the plants of my deck garden, my jewelry hobby, and two grumpy ass cats. Leonard is nowhere to be found right now. And Little Baby is not speaking with me for some reason. Perhaps she thinks it's my fault that Jon left. Twice this morning she distinctly turned her back on me.

So I don't even have her to cry with today....

And so I fill my lonely hours with my hobby---jewelry making. I've made a lot of jewelry in the last few weeks, and I guess I must keep on going in that pursuit, as my shrinks and therapists all encourage me to do. If you won't get too bored I'll show you some pictures of the things I've made. I have lots of other pendants and beads made but haven't strung them yet. I know some of you have seen the following pictures already on my Twitter account but I'm hoping these are better snapshots (in better lighting) than those. (If you click on the pictures they'll get bigger for a better look.)

Below is the one I like the best. It is a picture of Michael the Archangel.

Below is a couple pendants I made. The pendant on the left is one I made. The one on the right is one I bought.

And below are the fruits of my labor---from my deck garden. My plants (and asshole cats) will be the only beings I can talk to during these long, hot days now. I have been faithfully harvesting whichever snap beans (haricot verts) look ripe each day----and I keep adding them, one by one, to a freezer bag--- to freeze them until I get enough of them to make a dish out of. And the picture at the top of this blog post is that of my Topsy Turvy cherry tomato plant. Notice the red tomato teasing me to pick it. But I'm going to wait till it's truly ripe.

I'm crying so much that I can't see the computer screen very well so you'll have to excuse any spelling or grammar errors.

What a damn FOOL I am to be such a frigging idiot---such a big damn baby!

Below is a pink mosaiced pendant I made.

And below is a haphazard necklace I made with very large, multi-colored glass beads.

And below is another of my favorites, the pendant which has a picture of The Mourning Angel on it. And that's about how I feel today---like I'm in mourning. I'm walking around the house crying as I do my chores. I hope I can stop crying long enough to water the plants of my deck garden. It's very hot outside and they need water---but I don't want either of my neighbors to see me bawling like a complete fool.

Below are some buttons I made.

And below is another guilded necklace I made.

And another one below.....

I guess that's it for the jewelry fashion show. I'll keep on making things.

Anyway, it's back to the days of solitude, where I wait endless hours for Blaine to come home from work---or the appointments with my therapists. But the house feels so awfully empty without Jon. But I need to stop crying. I don't want Blaine to see me like this. He wouldn't understand.

Blaine truly tries to understand my mood problems as best he can, but he generally leaves it up to the shrinks and therapists to understand better. He supports me in my various therapies---and my hobbies ---but he has no idea what to do when I cry. He gets frustrated and angry that he can't "fix it".

But there is no fixing it, really....

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Through early morning fog I see

visions of the things to be,

the pains that are withheld for me,

I realize and I can see

That suicide is painless,

It brings on many changes,

and I can take or leave it if I please...

("Suicide is Painless", Johnny Mandel)

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