Wednesday, June 09, 2010

That Dirty Little Secret....Me.


Man wonders, but God decides,

When to kill the Prince of Tides....

("The Prince of Tides", Pat Conroy)


I need to be up front about something. About why I am filled with sadness.

(Never let it be said that I'm not up front about what I'm thinking, right? You know you will never get anything but abject honesty with me, good or bad.)

But first, allow me to tell you how my world has been changing lately. Because, as you know, I have a lot of therapy going on. The mobile therapist comes on Wednesdays to make sure I get out of the house for at least one day in the week, even if it's only for a walk. Then on Thursdays I go to the Center for 2 things, my 1:1 hour-long appointment with my therapist, and my 2-hour DBT group overseen by my therapist and a second therapist---and it's very intense. It's look-you-deep-into-your-eyeballs intense. And then on Fridays, my case manager comes to my house to review the week's therapy and results.

All of this is time-consuming and draining. It's draining because when you have 4 therapists in your head every week, and you're trying to learn the stuff they're trying to teach you, AND you have paperwork homework to do.....well, it's exhausting.

Also, one of my diagnoses is severe PTSD and one of the nice little benefits of that is that I get very poor sleep, causing me to be fatigued all the time. I have a repetitive nightmare pretty much 3 or 4 times a week on the average. And I also have frightening flashbacks at the drop of a hat---even seeing something on TV can trigger one---or a song, or a poem....anything.

Also, the side effects of a couple of my meds is fatigue and sleepiness. Very frustrating when you're trying to get things done. And also, I feel a lot of guilt about causing my family so much money in expenses for my psychological treatment. I am not insured and so expenses must be paid for in cash. My meds alone cost nearly $3,000.00 a month. And my therapists cost nearly $8,000 a month. Yes, I feel a lot of guilt.

Next, I have taken up a new hobby of jewelry-making. I took this hobby up because of 2 reasons: one, my psychiatrist's urging for me to take up something other than knitting as he feels knitting has become "too automatic" for me. The other reason is because my Mumsy, a very lovely, talented artist, feels the same way---and so she has sent me hundreds of dollars of supplies for that new hobby. And then Blaine built me my studio to perform it in. (Between the two of them, I have everything I need for this new hobby.)

So my new studio has become my sanctuary---where all my hobbies are located, including the Magical Yarn Closet--- and even down to the oven for which to bake the clay I make pendants and beads from. Everything is neatly placed, including all the beading/polymer clay supplies, my sewing machine, and the much-loved large flat-screen TV. I hide up there and create jewelry. (My kind of crazy jewelry.)

There is a quirky boutique and another shop which have expressed willingness to market my jewelry for a cut of the profits. So my task right now is to keep on making jewelry in order to build up an amount of stock to begin selling with.

Also, my shrink said yesterday she would like me to make some of that jewelry for other mentally-impaired people, in order to give them a boost or cheer them up, to give me some degree of "fulfillment". (NO JOKES ABOUT MY CRAZY-LOOKING JEWELRY, PLEASE!!)

And also, we now have a houseguest, Jon, who is staying with us while he tries to get construction work, since the construction jobs have dried up in Texas. He is antsy and anxious, as the job situation here has been hampered by design problems and rain---thus he is still not working, although he would do ANYTHING the job sites would ask of him. He still needs your prayers, desperately, so that he does not lose his house back in Texas, the house where Blaine and I lived for a short time after we were married, until we moved here to Kansas.

I do not mind Jon staying here---in fact, I'm glad he's here. I like the company even though we don't hang out. He stays downstairs with his computer and I stay upstairs in the studio. But his staying here does create a little more work for me, in the way of dishes and clutter. I truly don't mind. But it does take up more time in my schedule.

All of this leaves little time for blogging.

Normally, I'd assimilate everything together and keep on doing what I'm doing. I would keep on blogging. But I'm getting less and less inspired to tell my daily stories in my blog. And so I've let it go of late. I'm only half-heartedly and half-assedly writing it---definitely not my usual earnest conversations with you guys.

(Is "half-assedly" a word?)

And herein lies the crux of the matter.....

Many of my blog's readers are more inclined to concentrate on my negative qualities than my positive. This mystifies me. Why would anybody care? I mean, SO WHAT if I am not a perfect person? And SO WHAT if I'm opinionated and those opinions don't always jibe with certain others' opinions? And SO WHAT if I'm a no-holds-barred argumentative person who stands up to those negative-focusing people?

And what ended up happening is that almost all of my blog's readers have gone to lurkdom.

So therefore, why write the damn blog? I will NEVER be able to accomodate those idiots who call me names and gossip about me---or those people so filled with hatred that they feel compelled to write the cruelest of comments to me. Because I will always refuse to be anything other than myself. And I always thought that living in America meant I had free speech, even on my blog, and that people unhappy with my blog would feel free not to read it if it offends them so much.

I mean, I don't understand it. I am a person who likes reading what other people write about themselves on their blogs. I very much like for them to be honest, even if I don't care for their opinions. That is what makes the world interesting to me---that we are an imperfect species and the differences are what makes the world go round.

Just as our leaders are imperfect at times, so are those of us who are just common citizens.

And thus, I haven't felt like blogging because I figure all the people who sit in judgment of me are sitting like vicious cats, waiting to pounce on my next move. And my loyal readers have been trounced upon---placed in a position where they are not eager to be identified as a reader of my blog. And really, I understand. I really do. Because honestly, in this negative environment, who would want to admit they read my blog?

So, I know that many of my friends and lurkers would never want to admit they read my blog because of the reputation it carries, and so I'm saying it for them. I am unpopular and despised by a number of bullies and sanctimonious asses and, thus, it has become a bad thing to admit to being a reader/commenter on my blog.

But that saddens me that many of my loyal readers, who are my friends, don't want to admit to the knit-blogging world that they are readers of my blog. It's like a dirty secret for one to be a reader of my blog. So what I get every day is a very high blog-hit count from hundreds of readers----but also.....hundreds of lurkers.

And so there goes my open dialogue with those who are interested readers. I have no idea what my friends are feeling. Or the lurkers. And thus, gone is the fun of blogging. I could better spend my time doing all the other things that are now crowding my schedule. Because I no longer care to be spotlighted as some sort of evil entity. Which isn't me. I am honest.....not evil!!

And before any of you say "it's my own fault", I don't believe that for a minute. Believe me, hundreds of people STILL DO read my blog--- so my honesty, openness, and unpopular opinions hasn't cost me's just that, for many, reading my blog has become, like I said before, a dirty little secret.

And I don't mind that people won't admit that they read my blog. Because I am told that if they admit they read me, they suffer the same negative fallout that I've been dealt ---from the same negative people who hate me. So I understand, I really do. And I don't think less of them for it. Who wants all that negativity? Not everybody has the argumentative nature I do---and not everybody wants that kind of discord in their blogging lives. So believe me, I do understand.

I even consulted my therapist about the matter. He says that if it no longer brings satisfaction to me, to leave it and concentrate on those things that bring me happiness. And currently, what brings me a tiny degree of happiness in my mentally-impaired world is my studio and my new hobby of jewlry making.

As a matter of fact, I'm expecting another box of supplies today from my Mumsy.

And by the way, those of you who have criticized and blasphemed about my mother are true blue fucking criminals. If you knew my beautiful mother you would know her innocence and sincere charm and artistry. I am so very lucky to have her. In fact, I think the Lord gave me to her because He knew she'd always care for me, even in my imperfect state. I have always been a broken person who my mother has tried to help. I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for her.

Or Blaine.

My father said it all. Years ago, when he lay on his death bed, dying from the last gasps of alcoholic ravages, he struggled to say to me: "Blaine is the only man you've ever been with that I approve of. And that is because I know he will always take care of you."

And he was right. Blaine has sworn to always take care of me.

So anyhoo, that's my daily dose of honesty for you. And don't worry--I don't expect anybody to comment on this post either. It's a problem that I have to decide for myself---I'm not trying to manipulate anybody with what I've declared. I have to decide myself whether to keep on blogging or not--a very difficult decision. But I have to admit that the thought of not having to read those negative comments is inviting...

(And I bet my depression will just THRILL the people who hate me. Well, all I have to say to them is HAVE A FUCKING BALL.)




Caro said...

Well, I am one of your lurkers - and I have to tell you how much I have ALWAYS loved reading your bog.

I first saw it years ago, and loved reading your Texas- traveling nurse stories. I loved the way you wrote about talking to the donkeys, and the love that you showed to your clients. And I loved your pictures of all the cows lying down before a rain.

And I loved, loved, loved your pictures of your knititng.

And then I worried about you when you talked about your problems and your therapists. And I totally get it that commenting on another blog can get you hate mail.

I'm guilty for not letting you know before this how much I enjoy the little part of your life that you share with us. And I have you on Google reader and look every day to see how you are.

I personally, am fighting a depression right now, so I know how much a note from a friend can mean. Please consider me one of your (hundreds) of friends.

Mathi Bear said...

AS a long time lurker I kind of feel bad for not saying anything. I do enjoy your honesty and look for updates here at least once a week. I also have had a longstanding battle with depression and it amazes me how you can speak so frankly about it. It was 20 years before I could admit I had any kind of mental problem and begin to seek help for it.
Also I have been making jewelry since my teens ( I started by stringing pearls for one of my father's friends who had a jewelry store) and it has been a big source of distraction to me when I needed it.

Sorry to hear about all the bad comments, but I tend to think that a lot of people get on the internet just to have an open forum to spew all the nastiness that they have inside. Try to realize that by their commentaries they only reflect themselves.

Caro said...

P.S. The whole time I was reading your last post, I was thinking OH NO! Pleeeaassee don't say you are not going to blog any more!!!

Unless it is hurting you, in any way, please keep sharing yourself with us lurkers


Bo... said...

Thank you so much, Mathi Bear! Know that you are not alone in this battle with depression. Thank you for commenting--you have brightened my day!!

Bo... said...

Caro---thank you for commenting! I admit I'm struggling with this issue but it helped me so much today to hear from you!!!

Anonymous said...

personally I wish you would stop blogging
I only come back because you are such a train wreck=it is hard to look away!
In think most of what you write is all lies and your lack of education comes through loud and clear in your writing
your drama is almost hilarious

Bo... said...

I rest my case---see the above "Anonymous" commenter? This is how we know the person is an idiot-- they claim to "wish I would stop blogging".

Now really. How insane is that? Nobody is holding a gun to their head to read my blog---yet they read it and pollute it with their negativity and stupidity.

Anonymous? In the world of ass-dom, you have just proved yourself one.

Anonymous said...

the only thing fucking uglier than your knitting is your fuck ugly plastic jewellery
I only read for my "laugh of the day"

Bo... said...

Who care, Anonymous. You're just an ass who wants notoriety of being a commenter on this blog. I'm only allowing you on here to illustrate my point.

Bo... said...

OOH OOH.....I just received my Mumsy's box of more jewelry making supplies. And a book written by a famous jewelry maker. I'm going to send Mumsy an email thanking her bunches!!!!! I love her so much.

Anonymous said...

I am not ashamed to admit I read your blog. I love to see your photos and see what you are up to. I also struggle with depression and I am feeling very "down" right now. Do whatever you feel is right for you regarding blogging. And as for the mean spirited anon posters, we should pity them as they are very sad people indeed.
Hang in there my friend.


Bo... said...

Thank you so much, Terri. Your kindheartedness means the world to me at a time when I really need a boost. You have helped me today, and I am very grateful.

kg said...

I found your blog back in the road nurse days. (I'm a nurse too) I admit to being especially fond of the goat.
Still like to keep up with you
and was glad when you started blogging again.
Really like your knit socks and wish I could knit too!
No desire to leave cranky mean comments on any blog---that would reflect badly on me, wouldn't it!

Bo... said...

Thanks, kg. (And the Message Goat is still alive and well....although he is kept busy by grand-kids)

(get it???) (Heh...)

Maren said...

Bo, I am always here and just an email away.

I flip on several times a day to see if you are twittering anything.

You know I read your blog and you know I care about you.

Go to your studio and make stuff and be at peace my friend.

Remember, art is an expression a oneself and ones own feelings. There are no rights or wrongs in art it is all a matter of personal opinion.

Hugs and prayers, and loves to your mom too,


Maggie said...

Hey, I was there when you were the road nurse that was hoping Momma cow wasn't going to eat you..and 1of those that kept you on the prayer list while you were 'off blog'..and still here.
I am also the gal working on accident recovery--I might not ever be able to go back to work. I won't ever be able to do much motorcycle riding. I will never wear high heels again or have 2 feet that match. I will not dance or run..I might alway 'walk funny'...but I keep on dealing with the life I now have...
So, I don't often comment on your blog, and I do not always check for new posts every day.
I do deal with depression issues, un-ending pain issues, an old house with a roof that leaks worse every month, someday it will get a new roof and accident or not, it would still be a leaking roof and me waiting until I could afford the loan to repair it.
I have no Blane or family able to help me out financially, and my adults sons here do not help with the mowning or much else..1 only comes by when he wants something...
So, I do pray you have good days, and I do read your blog--but I don't even often post on mine.
I don't want your life or problems--but if you know where to get any of that great medical equipment from Star Trek...we could talk about trading some of my precious yarn stash for help with my permanently damaged foot

Bo... said...

Bless your hearts, Maren and Maggie--I so treasure your friendship. And I do keep both of you (and all of everybody here) in my daily prayers, asking that we can triumph over our burdens and difficulties. Thank you for commenting today because it does help me so much to know that you're still with me, on each of our roads of destiny. (Hey, Maggie--you are correct in that it would definitely be nice to have those Star Trek "cures", heh!!!)

danielle said...

I am curious because I dont understand something - and you know I am not one of your negative people here - why do you have to have a therapist to get you out of the house when you periodically go to visit your mother - and go shopping with Blaine? Sometimes you get out of the hosue more than I do - and I do not percieve myself having a that is why I am not understanding that therapy.

danielle said...

PS - you know I have been around a long while - and I dont want you to give up blogging because then I would 'lose' you!

Anonymous said...

Best Wishes...

I don't always agree with you, and I don't always like your projects, but I don't have to, do I? (BTW, sometimes I do. :) )

Personally I thought that your crusade against the Harlot was, well... a bit cuckoo. In my view, her "anti-american" sentiment was extremely mild at most. I can understand that you (and others) might not like that, and if that's the case, then shine a light by all means. It's your right.
Threatening to prevent her from publishing however, is censorship. Each reader/buyer needs to decide for themselves. That's freedom, right?

Having said that, I kept reading even though I didn't support your point of view. Why not? It's not as if that's all there is to you and your blog. You aren't exactly a one-trick pony. :)

And as for those who feel the need to make it overly personal? You're freaks! Mean freaks!
It's the height of rudeness and pettiness to leave such pointless negative comments.
(Just to be fair Bo, some of the things you had to say to the Harlot about her family were just as bad as those horrible comments left about your mother. That's the only thing I would regret if I were you.)

Life would be boring if we only exposed ourselves to people exactly the same as us, and so I hope you keep blogging. If not, if you've lost your heart for it, or worse, if it's hurting you, then I wish you health and happiness.
I know it's not going to be that easy, but I wish it could.

I think it's a crime that your treatment costs you all that much! You should lobby for universal health care! In the end, your good mental health will only benefit society (and you too as well, of course).

Bo... said...

Hey there, Danielle, that's a valid question. I do go out of the house when forced. For example, I drive myself to my appointments. But Blaine does all the grocery shopping. He calls me when he's out of work and asks me what we need for the day, even though the store is only blocks away. And, of course, he does take me to buy art supplies.

But left to my own devices, I shun the public and hide in the house. And I haven't a clue as to what's wrong with me. The only thing I know is that I am painfully shy and I feel that if I talk to somebody they will somehow "know" that I am crazy. And when I tell that to my therapists they wring their hands and say that nobody could know from talking to me that I have "issues" or "problems" or whatever. But yet the nagging doubts prevail with me.

I can't explain it....

Bo... said...

Hi Lora, thank you for commenting. About the YH issue. It was a tempest in a teapot. The only real threat I made was to get signatures to send to her publishers to tell them that if she continued what we (not me only, but we) perceived as mocking talk about Americans, we would let those publishers know that we would not be buying her books in this country.

And you would have thought I'd committed some national sin for telling her that. Every evil minion of hers came out of the woodwork.

And I have many "saved" emails from her that insult and ridicule and mock me---which goaded me into some meaner statements I might not have made had she simply looked at the issue for its own merits instead of reacting like she is too "holy" to be criticized.

Even now, YH makes sarcastic comments about me in her Twitter page, whenever I've made a crack about her.

If she had any class at all, she'd ignore my rantings. But no....she is angry at me. And she encourages her friends to send me more hate mail.

Thus, the whole thing blew up much bigger than it really should have. You could argue that I should have stopped it....but then why didn't she ignore me and stop her sarcastic comments about me on her Twitter page---usually some stupid "quote" from somebody famous.

All I know is, it is NOT a crime to dislike somebody. I am free to dislike a person if I wish. It's stupid to argue with me about it because I am talking on my own blog.

And that's about it. I've explained it till I'm blue in the face, but yet people STILL continue to say they "don't understand".

PS Lora: Universal health care would never give me the type of care I'm getting now. Just like most insurances don't give this degree of health care. So I'm very lucky to have my family indeed.

FuguesStateKnits said...

READ your blog? Honey, I'm a bona fide stalker! I follow you on Blogger ferheavensakes! And I don't have to justify whose blog I read to anyone - fuck 'em!
Take care of you, sweetie!
Joan a/k/a FugueStateKnits

Anonymous said...

I don't care if people know I read your blog or any other website.

But you can be mean. And you want people to respect your freedoms but you don't want others to have any.

I'm sorry you're depressed. Please feel better soon.


Anonymous said...


I am one of your lurkers too. I've commented a few times, but that's about it.

I would truely miss you if you "disapeared". So please don't.

Your projects make me smile.

And i'm TOTALLY jealous of your studio. I need one.


tottergirl said...

Bo sweetheart, I originally found your blog as a nursing blog. I continued reading because I found someone who is honest and lovely and fun. (And writes really well, unlike me.) I started praying for you when you were back in TX struggling with the alcohol and continued through the time you were not writing. I still pray for you.

I love your wacky designs, your beautiful knitting, the pictures you take, and the passion you throw into whatever you do.

If you decide not to blog, I'll keep praying for you. Where you are seems to be good for you. (As an aside, my own beloved older sister has found a place of healing in KC after running away from her life earlier this year.)

You Dad was right about Blaine, What he does for you speaks so loudly I can hear the love all the way down here in New Mexico.

As for the knitting blogs, pppffftttt is all I can say. I guess I just don't care who knows I read your stuff. Who the hell are they to me anyway.

Bo honey, please do what you need to do to find peace. And if you need to let the blog go, so be it. I'd love to hear from you now and again, but it is about what YOU need, not what I need. I will continue to pray for you (and Jon) whether I hear from you or not.

Anonymous said...

I am also a reader who has followed you from the "Bohemian" days. My name is Jackie. only to identify me from the other anonymouses(?). I will miss your blog, but am glad to see you dropping it. Go to it, drop it like a hot rock and don't look back. I have learned that is the only way to get away from unhappy, unkind situations and poisonous people. I will pray for you if you wish, and hope for your growth in the future.

Nurse Stella said...

I think you are courageous. I originally found your blog when you were posting about being a visiting nurse and was thrilled when you started posting again. Post when you feel like it, do your crafts when you want. Just keep working at being happy. In the end, that's what is important.

Anonymous said...

Before you think I am one of the 'nasty' commenters - I'm not, I'm just simply giving you my honest point of view so you may understand why I continue to read your blog, but have never commented.

I read your blog because it is like passing a car crash on the road. You know you shouldn't look, you don't really want to look because you know it'll make you squirm, but you end up looking anyway because you just have to know what is going on.

I came to your blog through YH, and as many others have said before, i don't really see what your problem is with her, but you have explained that over and over and I accept that you do have an issue, even though I do not understand it. We are all allowed to have our own opinions.

I understand that you feel you have a lot going on in your life. You complain multiple times of how tiring and busy your life is with your therapists, looking after two people, and following your hobbies. It irritates me, because there are plenty of people worse off than yourself. I myself have suffered with depression, yet worked my way a full time job through it. I only had one day off from it, and would often drive to work fighting with myself not to turn the steering wheel so I would crash head first into a wall and end it all. On top of full time work I would have therapist appointments, doctors appointments, run a house and look after my OH. I do not comment on those kind of posts that you write as I would have nothing to say apart from that I think you have wildly inflated thoughts about how 'ill' you are. So if I can't say anything nice, I say nothing at all. I do think that you should consider yourself extremely lucky that you have it so easy compared to a lot of other people who struggle with mental illness, who do not have the family willing to pay through the nose for their treatment, and who do have to carry on with everyday life rather than locking themselves away.

I do not comment on your jewellery making posts, as I really do not like your jewellery. But everyone is entitled to see the beauty in their own creation, and I understand that you do.

I do not comment on your posts where you are 'bitching' about YH or anyone else, as it reminds me of being in a school playground to be honest. And I struggle to see why someone who apparently has so much going on in her life and is so busy and exhausted has the energy to be so hateful.

I hope that explains why I don't comment on your blog. I do read your blog, and will continue to. I've always been the kind of person who will watch a movie to the end even if I don't like it, or finish reading a book to the end even if I don't think it's very good, so I'll continue to look at your blog day after day.

A couple of questions.

Why do you sometimes write about a 'Brian' in your twitter posts and then delete them?

Why do you delete other twitter posts - especially the ones where your having a good bitch about YH or someone and then delete them? Is it because you realise you're being a bit harsh and thought better of it, or because you don't want to be seen to be nasty?

Anonymous said...

Wishing you peace of mind and a joyful heart - enjoy your studio!

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with anonymous at 5:39 a.m.
she says it all

aj said...

Dear Bo,
Guess I am one of the lurkers, but I've followed you since Texas, and was very happy when I found you were posting again. You had positive energy (as much as I could spare) going your way after Texas. Only check in about once a week due to time and energy constraints - like Maggie, I have a bum foot that will probably never be normal again - but I CAN finally go up five steps with only one foot per riser! Just took two years, sigh.

Do what you must to survive - if blogging drains you, drop it (although you will have a lot of us worrying again). Personally, think you are wasting too much time and energy on YH, but since I don't read her blog and don't twitter, etc., don't know details, so that's just MHO and worth what you paid for it (LOL).

If you ever need a private listening ear, banphriosa at yahoo. Also play with jewelry and yarn, but both require time and energy.

Please take care of yourself. And give the cats a scritch (if they are in the mood).

Cindy/KS said...

Bo, I haven't commented in a while, but want you to know I think of you often! I hope you don't decide to stop blogging, but I also know you know how to contact me outside of blogging. And I am not afraid to have anyone know that I consider you a friend!

You have to do what is best for you! Some may not understand, some may think their issues are worse than yours - but we each have our own limits as to what we can handle & we have to do what is best for us. Like I have told some in my life - unless everything is exactly equal, you cannot compare 1 person's experience fully with another's. Personally I know that some consider me a very busy woman & marvel at what I accomplish. Others don't. There are times I feel like such a slacker compared to what I see others accomplishing, but I know that I also accomplish a lot more than I have seen others accomplish at this point in my life. So I go on the way I am.

Being a very shy person myself, I can totally relate to that side of you! I have said it in the past that if I had not of had children, I could have very easily become a hermit (hermittress maybe?). But my kids that things going on that since I wanted to be the kind of mother that I didn't have, I attended or helped with, etc. This has helped me overcome some of my shyness, but not all of it. My fear is usually that if I let someone into my thoughts, my past, then I tend to shrink from further contact because I just know they now are judging me because of that. But then logically, I know that isn't true, so I try to go on.

Anyway, whatever you decide, don't be a stranger with me! {{{HUGS}}}

Sue O said...

Honey SCREW all the negative posters! I for one am not only not ashamed to admit I read your blog I have actually recommended it to someone close to me who suffers from severe depression and needed to see she was NOT alone!
I have had bouts myself and although not nearly as severe as yours (or hers) I can empathize with many of your posts.
I love your riotous use of color and don't understand those who find it to be too much color (after all Natures wildflowers combine every color).
I am waiting to discover what your mystery flowers truly are and I for one would miss your blog and honesty more than you can imagine!

Anonymous said...

I've read since your road nurse/warrior days and continue to be a fan. Please don't take the negative comments to heart. You remember the old saying "opinions are like A@@holes, everyone has one". You are my daily shot of encouragement, I love your knitting and live in daily envy of your talent. I have a counted cross stitch sampler I'm working on......for the last 25 years! LOL (someday I'll finish it). Keep on doing what you need to do to find yourself and brush off the negatives. <<<>>

Maren said...

What is really interesting about some of the comments directed at Bo is the willingness to be so critical. It shows just how critical all human beings can be, a real study in human behavior.

If any one who reads this blog thinks they are immune to nastiness behind their own backs think again.

Having gone through extaordinary trauma as a police officer and the investigation afterwards I learned to my sorrow that no one is immune from backtalk even from the best of friends.

People talk foul and cruel behind your back all the time regardless of who you are. Your personal ticks and faults are all under the microscope and up for discussion among friends and foes alike.

Bo has put herself "out" in public and has with her opinions attracted some of the real nasties.
This is unfortunate and particularily cruel considering her openness about her mental illness.

For those who delight in finding fault remember Karma is a bitch. She always gets you in the end.

Build people up, be kind, find something good in people no matter how hard it might be at the time, what you dish out comes back to you and it is never pleasant, and never assume you are beyond the talk behind your back. You are not and someday, to your pain, you will find out. Try and make sure they have something nice to talk about.

Bo... said...

THANK YOU, YOU GUYS!!!! OMG, I am so appreciative of the positive comments from all of you. It makes me feel like I do really have good friends in the blogging world (and some outside the blogging world) and I am awestruck at the kindness and understanding you guys have given me. It is a gift that I treasure. Again, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR KIND, POSITIVE SUPPORT!!! I love you all.

Anonymous said...

I think you are very flippant about your so called mental illness, as someone who deals with mental illness every day I can't believe your description of your "suffering" and severity of your disease ie PTSD. Seriously?
You do not appear to hold a job, have no responsibilities, have someone wait on you all day and who buys you everything you want
you also say your mother takes care of all your bogus medical costs, really how is anyone supposed to believe such nonsense?
You need to get up off your lazy ass, take off your fucking rose coloured glasses and join the real world instead of pretending you're in Oz you lazy little shit
and someone should shake up that Blaine or Brian or whatever his name is this week and tell him he's being taken for a ride

Anonymous said...

so you are only going to show your supportive comments?
to make yourself feel liked?

Bo... said...

Anonymous--I have printed ALL comments, both negative and positive. So consider yourself counted as one of the negative ones. Happy now?

Anonymous said...

I really enjoy reading your blog and will miss you if you give it up. I do understand though and wish you had a more positive experience.
You are a very honest and open person and I respect you for that.
This is for all of the mean people out there:
Three things in human life are important the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.
Henry James (1843-1916)

I hope to see the finished RRH sweater. Your talent is awesome!
Your friend,

Bo... said...

Thank you, Marsha!

Maggie said...

Bo, for those days you want to see that others have some rough days I posted a photo of my little red truck...this was after the accident..but maybe you might look at what some of the rest of us are living are not the only person with problems..or trying to find ways to cope with those problems...go look over that red truck and be so very glad you weren't the gal in the driver's seat that night

Bo... said...

Maggie---I have been reading your blog in the last month and I did know about your troubles. You didn't know it but I had you on my prayer list.

Listen, Maggie. If you ever need to talk, to share experiences and receive support for what you've been through---as I want to be supportive of you---email me your phone number and I'll call you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Bo,

I'm one of your lurkers as well, and though I don't think we'd agree on much, if anything, politically (or about the Harlot fiasco), I truly feel for you as you struggle with your mental health. I, too, struggle with depression/anxiety, and I'm impressed by how you've carved out such a safe space -- amidst your yarn, jewelry materials, and the like -- to create things that are so you! Focus on yourself as you ride this wave out, and keep sidestepping the negativity as much as possible.

And by the way, your beautiful Aran sweaters have inspired me to knit one of my own (just as soon as I finish this cardigan).

Be well. Be happy. I wish you the best, truly.


Bo... said...

Thank you, -E.

Linda in Alameda, CA said...

(Is "half-assedly" a word?)

It is, if you say so. LOL

I am a lurker too - from the time as a road nurse in Texas to now. I hope you won't stop the blog, but it is your decision, and you know best. I like readuing about your projects, your mom, the dove nests in your tree, etc., etc.

Know I support whatever you decide.

megangiselle said...

I'm here Bo, lurkin' and reading - since TBRN.

Gots my own troubles too, but enjoy your sharing of your life and thoughts and doings.

Be yourself, forget the rest.

Sue said...

hey Bo - thanks for writing. I've been concerned because you aren't writing as much and I was hoping it wasn't because you were feeling bad/sad.

I have no problem telling anybody that I read your blog - but I have to admit I'm not sure who in my circle would care. I probably don't blog with the mainstream.

How is that beautiful Little Red Hoodie? Have you set it aside for awhile?

Hang in there Bo - I check up on you on a regular basis and appreciate it when you post.


susan said...

Bo...I have read your blog for years...prayed for you, a lot! I will never know the pain you feel, as you are the one who is feeling it. I do know that I enjoy your blog, knitting and craft endevors. I especially loved the stories you told of your nursing days...and am saddened that you took too much of your patients pain home with you. However I am sure the care you gave them was so meaningful and comforting to your patients and their families. That is what makes you who you are, a caring person! I have been in and out of the hospital a lot in the last 5 years, and the nurses who were like you are the nurses who got me through my illnesses...because they took the time to care! I hope you will keep your blog, even if it is to let us know you are still doing well...everyday that you don't relapse is a good day! Keep on fighting for yourself, and don't worry about nasty negative people.

Bo... said...

Thank you, you guys!!! You have totally cheered me up! I do want to keep blogging and you guys have convinced me that I do have online friends---you mean so much to me. I love you all!