Thursday, October 25, 2007

One Tin Cowgirl......

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There won't be any trumpets blowing

Come the judgement day,

On the bloody morning after....

One tin soldier rides away.

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("One Tin Soldier", Lambert-Potter)

*

Sometimes, as life goes about its way of lulling one into the habitual trek of "going with the flow", there comes a time when one has to.....

Make a stand for "what's right".

And let me tell you, in my humble opinion, "doing the right thing" is not always the easiest way to go. Especially for me, since, being a recovering alcoholic--- with my biker chick past--- I have not always exemplified one who is by any means "perfect", noble, or "solid gold".....no...not by any means.

I am actually quite a "tarnished" person, if you'll allow me to put it in that generous understatement. I have "done wrong" plenty of times in my life. I have lied. I have cheated. I have done pretty much every sin there is to commit.

But....I have tried many times, with the help of The Lord and the program of AA, to pick myself up off the floor after each of my life's seemingly unending series of ongoing debacles, and dust myself off and go onwards again----and try to do better. I have tried, time and time again, to better myself in order to serve those around me.

Although I don't normally "preach" on my blog, I will tell you that I have, many times, attempted, while working within my own AA "program", to perform at least a tad and tiny bit of one of AA's main goals----which is to make myself of maximum service to those around me----but doing such, this time, will definitely affect my employment...

Alright.....here it is.

I was tested-----quite severely-----this week. And it would have been so damn frigging easy to take the easy way out...

Aaaah..... so help me, taking the easy way out would have made things so much more convenient for me. Shit, it would have enabled me to stay much more secure in my job. It would have garnered me a lot more leeway, responsibility, and privilege from my company's owners. And it would most certainly have saved me from a huge amount of "job stress".

But....and I don't quite know how it happened.....something happened in my heart. Something suddenly occurred which caused an overwhelmingly strong and uncomfortable set of emotions to rise up into my gorge which I simply couldn't ignore---NO not anymore! No....no....no more!

And so I took a stand.

And it was a line drawn in the sand that, once drawn, can never be un-drawn.

And it has made my life vastly more complicated and precarious with the relationship I hold with the owners of my company. So complicated, in fact, that I cannot even bring myself to get my brains together in order to write it here now. I'm not quite able to describe it yet---or my future plans.

But I can tell you the reasons for WHY I did what I did.

I did it for:

1) For friendship. I did it for my friendships with my co-workers--- my two best friends in the entire world, Bonnie and Belinda.

2) Also, I did it because I PROMISED them I would do such. I promised them.

3) And, okay, I also did it because I knew, without a shadow of a dang doubt, that these two gentle and loving souls are so inherently kind and non-aggressive that they would simply continue to allow themselves to get stomped on, tricked, lied to, and taken advantage of FOREVER---- NEVER having the street-cruel ability or meanness of heart to fight any sort of this type of battle for themselves in the vicious, take-no-prisoners way that I am able to fight. No...not they....

4) And, yes, okay, ALRIGHT....I also did it because it was the "right" damn thing to do. (God dang it, I sound like stupid ole Wilford Brimley in an oatmeal commercial here---or whatever his name is...) (And I want to say the F-word, but I won't.)

And once the quite unexpected fight was begun, I continued to stand firm---- and I aimed my truth-arrows straight and true, never faltering or wavering as I voiced my knowledge of the ugly tricks and frauds which my company furiously attempts to hide---strangely calm and strong in my outside facade, even though I felt weak and bruised on the inside----while never knowing (until it was all over) that the strength I had found for the hurtful battle was not even my own. I had absolutely no idea at the time that I was fighting the battle using strength which came, like the Psalm in the Bible says, from "lifting mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my strength---my strength cometh from the Lord."

Yes, the strength for the battle of wits came to me. Unexpectedly. And when the ensuing dust settled, and I realized that I was weakened and distracted, I conjured up an excuse for a few days off from work and fled to my mother's house, over an hour's drive away from Podunk. Once there, in the safety of my mother's home, I told her and my AA sponsor of what happened. And I have been there since, licking my wounds----while preparing myself for the upcoming employment difficulties I have made for myself.

But I do not regret one single word or action. And furthermore, I don't take credit for one single winning thrust or parry in the verbal fencing battle I entered.

For I know---I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that my foe battled not me......but a Greater Power.

* * * * * *

Meanwhile, today, my mother and I did something especially pleasant. We took a drive a couple hours away to a "bigger town", a town which has a shop which sells......yarn!!! Yarn! The calming force of Bo. The balm to soothe the tattered shreds of my war-weary body. The lilting melody of a song of hope for a moment of beauty within the frequently shattered shards of the glass-like fragility of my existence....

And so I bought myself two hanks of some lovely, soft, luxurious, hand-painted yarn by Schaefer called "Anne". I began knitting a shawl with it----a simple, triangular, garter stitch shawl---with a Skacel Turbo Lace circular needle. T'was the Yarn Harlot who inspired me. And although my simple garter stitch will never be as gorgeous as the beautiful lace stitch patterns in her shawls, it is my first attempt at a shawl---and so I know that I must start with a simple enough pattern that I can knit in the evenings after work, in my distracted way of knitting whenever I am "stressed out" by the day's events---in an attempt to calm myself with the comforting feel of the wonderful, gossamer-like, lithe texture of such a beautiful yarn......

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When I return to my Podunk apartment, I will gather my wits about me (after this "re-grouping" at my mother's house)----and tell you about my sad little try at making a tragic attempt at bettering the lives of myself and my co-workers----- all while knowing ahead of time that my tiny battle would become uselessly and anonymously entangled within the corruption and dishonesty which personifies the viselike and unendingly adhesive grip on which the world of road nurse companies have upon the Medicare Dollar. And furthermore, I know that my sad little David-Against-Goliath stand will be lost and uselessly irrelevant against the overwhelmingly bad odds of my being just a small, insignificant person adrift in a gigantic world of unjust business/employer practices.

But, so help me GOD---- it will be the LAST damn time that one particular person attempts to best me in such a battle of the wits ----and THIS I know for sure.... *

16 comments:

lheiserman said...

What's that song, 'you've got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything". If some president or some politician has quoted it, I'll apologize in advance.

Anyway, since your belief system includes a God, then you can take some comfort in knowing that He sees your efforts and will reward you regardless of what your company does.

I, for one, am proud to know you!

Warrior Knitter said...

The people in your life who love you will never forget what you did and continue to do for them. The best and most real heros are flawed. It's every difficult to live on the strength of your convictions but it's more satisfying.

And on a lighter note, love me some Schaefer "Anne" yarn. I have two hanks, one destined very soon for socks and the other for, well only God knows!

Warrior Knitter said...

Oh, and I've always liked that song, too. Now it's stuck in my head. Better go to YouTube and see if I can find it and listen.

poody said...

you go girl If I was to enter into a battle of wits I would sadly be unarmed!

Duckie said...

Im glad you're taking time for yourself! :D

Beth in MN said...

Can't wait to hear whatever it was you did, woman, and remember ... while all battles "for good" aren't won, they do leave a mark in the road and are worth fighting!

Nancy said...

I AM A ROAD NURSE TOO
you go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get in trouble on a daily basis, I have a big mouth and 40 years of getting the short end of the nursing
mananger's stick,

you go girl

proud of you
love this blog btw and i also knit!!!

MY OWN WOMAN said...

You mentioned the Lord, so I'm going to mention him too. Somewhere, and I wish I could quote chapter and verse but I can't there is a little line that I use often.....it goes something like this....

Once you have fought the good fight.....stand. "Stand," such a simple word that speaks volumes. I'll be thinking of you as you STAND.

jay said...

I love your blog. Please exchange link with me. I already placed your link in my blog. - http://philippinenurse.blogspot.com/

Nurse Stella said...

From another "road nurse", you have my undying admiration!

T-Mom said...

Don't underestimate yourself, Bo.

And I'm glad you and your other are communicating again--I know that was hurtful.

I love Schaefer Anne yarn. Problem is, I'm kinda scared to knit with it. It's so beautiful, I'd almost rather just collect a bunch of skeins, like in your photo, and sit and look at the beautiful glowing colors, than to actually cast on. Looking forward to seeing your shawl, and your next post.

danielle said...

And another song is whirling thru my mind "you gotta know when to hold them, know when to fold them..." And by golly, that company better knwo when to fold so that they can hold onto some darn good nurses!

And you jsut keep making yourself that prayer shawl, cause that is what it is...and at a time you need it...which colors did you choose?

Marilou said...

Keep up your spirits. Sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing of all. Going through the same things at work here, too.

Anonymous said...

Now I am worried. Take heart Bo. Nothing is as important as it seems just as nothing is as unimportant as it looks. Nobody died and left us God.

Anonymous said...

I am really worried about you. Are you all right?

Marilou

tottergirl said...

Bo Honey, you haven't posted in a couple of weeks. How've you been? I'm a bit concerned.