I SAID ahem!
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Message Goat speaking.
And I have an announcement to make about The Bohemian Road Nurse who, in her usual madcap, bizarre, and overly dramatic fashion, reported to me this afternoon the utterly ridiculous statement: "Goat, ole buddy, this has been the damnedest week I ever did see...."
And then Bo (whom I usually don't allow to address me in such an undignified fashion as "Goat, ole buddy") proceeded to ask me to beg your forgiveness for not posting in the last few days--- but she wanted me to assure everybody that she will post very soon--- just as soon as (as she terms it) "the dust settles", whereby she will then "set the record straight on a few things". She politely asks that people try not to listen to, form any judgements about, or even believe one iota of what she calls "idle gossip by the town's most Tongue-Wagging Nosey Parkers" until she has an adequate chance to "explain everything" .
That said, and although I'm really not supposed to give you any details, I will let go of a couple of tidbits I was able to glean from the Podunk Livestock Grapevine about Bo's rather.... shall we say troublesome? .... week.
Now, while it is definitely true that Bo dealt with many honestly difficult situations this week, among them The Great 2007 Battle of the Road Nurses---- and, also, Bo's obsessively compulsive adherence to her new diabetic diet regimen---- it seemed that no matter what she did or where she went, she....er..... continued to make a complete ass of herself (with apologies to the Donkey Corps.)
But among the week's highlights was one positive fact----that in which Bo was able to "perfect" her compliance with the new diabetic diet----in which I am willing to concede that I am truly amazed that such a small, wiry little idgit like Bo could actually survive and flourish on less lettuce and tomatoes than do the rabbits in Podunk's East Sector.
But, as usual, Bo always seems to have difficulties whenever it comes to doing something new in a quiet fashion--- or else with even one modicum of the Southern Ladylike Dignity in which she was raised.....
Because, Ladies and Gentlemen, there were multiple sightings of Bo muttering vile obscenities outloud to herself in Walmart while reading food packaging labels' information regarding "Total Grams of Carbs".
And also, there were many reports whereby local people swore that they witnessed a weirdly gleeful Bo tossing her unkempt blonde hair while laughing like an evil madman--- as she scribbled with zestful fury the results of her 6-times per day glucometer blood-sugar checks into a log book----all whilst verbalizing strange utterances such as: "I'll fix my doctor's little red wagon, oh Yes-Sir-ee-Bob! Because when that pompous ole fart see's THIS frigging 14-day average, he'll probably pee his fancy white doctor pants!"
And although, Ladies and Gentlemen, I would really like to tell you that the above behaviors were the ONLY "less attractive" aspects of Bo's.....uh.... "bad week" .....I simply cannot bring myself to lie to such longtime, trusted friends.
And so, with great reluctance, I must tell you...... that the mushroom cloud you may have noticed last Monday night over Podunk was NOT the result of a thermo-nuclear war....
...nor was it an explosion of the local chicken processing plant....
Nay.....it was Bo.
Sigh. I was informed by one of my never-fail sources (a rogue hefer tattler employed by the esteemed tabloid publication "Enquiring Cattle Want To Know" ) that Bo was caught dead-eye, red-handed, in the actual ACT----by her AA sponsor and THREE other fellow AA clubmembers, of all people----
---of losing her famous temper in Walmart!
....an event which the management of Walmart is not likely to forget anytime soon since it was the first time in Podunk history that a Walmart customer-rebellion was carried out in bilingual fashion, since there was the presence of a large, multi-family crowd of Bo's Mexican patients--- all of whom proceeded to cheerfully, good-naturedly, and enthusiastically yell "Ole!" after every LOUD expletive and hotly angry declaration of Bo's.... uh... tirade.
But remember, YOU DIDN'T HEAR IT FROM ME, okay??
Anyway, Bo has since been noticed shamefully attempting to lurk quietly within the shadows of Podunk in order to avoid being noticed. She has also been seen using the back roads to her destinations in Belinda's SUV, most likely in a vain attempt to avoid being seen on the town's more populated roads, probably hoping that the brou-ha-ha of her misadventures this week will soon die down. In fact, I overheard her whispering to Minnie-The-Paint-Pony something to the effect of:
"So what can stupid Walmart do about it, dammit? Ban me? Hell, I've done worse than that during a Sunday-After-Church-Lets-Out rush. But I must admit that Friday can't get here soon enough. In fact, the only good thing that happened during this whole godforsaken week is that I actually got a skein of Opal sock yarn to knit out into a green and black leopard print, HEH! And I'm gonna go show it to those stupid sheep over in West Sector and tell 'em 'just think, guys----if you'd eat like I do, you TOO could put out wool like this!'"
And so, Ladies and Gentlemen, that is all the news I have for you tonight. As usual, refreshments will be served in the back pasture.
Goodnight to all.