Saturday, June 23, 2007

In Which I Yelled At God...and Apologized After There Was a Thunderstorm.....

* If I could ask God just one question:

Why aren't You here with me?

("Someday We'll Know", The New Radicals)


I'm going to say it.

Yes..... I'm going to say it.



Didn't Ya tell me, Lord? Didn't You tell ME, yes ME, in Your Bible, that You WOULDN'T FRIGGING PUT ANY MORE FRIGGING BURDENS ON ME THAN I COULD ENDURE?

LET ME QUOTE YOUR OWN WORDS, OKAY? Just to refresh Your memory:

It says in the Bible---AND I QUOTE:

"Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out." (1 Cor. 10:13)

WAY OUT? WHAT WAY OUT? I don't see any frigging dang way out! So what's the deal, Lord?

First ---THREE, yes, THREE of our beloved patients have died in a short period of time, patients we loved dearly. First, our beloved Lew died in my arms. Then, a second beloved patient died at home alone after putting a pot of beans on the stove. But the latest, most agonizing death was that of dear Mrs. Turnwater.....

Mrs. Turnwater finally died a miserable death. She kept bucking the ventilator machine and was in continual torment and misery to the end. They couldn't medicate her enough to put her out of her misery without the tranquilizers lowering her blood pressure so low that it would kill her. And every organ in her body was failing. Heart, lungs, kidneys.....

So after considering all factors, and the fact that Mrs. Turnwater herself had written out an Advance Directive stating that she did not want to be "kept alive on a ventilator" if the situation was hopeless, the family made the agonizing, guilt-ridden, and ultra painful decision to "pull the life support". DO YOU THINK THAT WAS FUN for them LORD? Couldn't You have allowed her to die peacefully and painlessly in her sleep? Couldn't Ya, Lord?

And the hospital staff did just as Mrs. Turnwater's family directed. They took the ventilator breathing tube out and unhooked Mrs. Turnwater off of all the drugs that were keeping her alive. They were going to attempt to transfer her to a Hospice bed in another part of the hospital, in the hopes that she could remain alive long enough for her large family to say goodbye to her in a peaceful setting instead of the horrible, noisy, tube-entwined ICU.

But she died before they could even get her to that bed----in the hall of the hospital.

Mrs. Turnwater died in misery and pain, with a tube down her throat, gagging and struggling against it, and there wasn't a dang thing anybody could do about it. And her family had to watch that, Lord! Yes, they had to WATCH EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

Then, as if that wasn't enough Lord---those three deaths----You had to put MORE burdens on me. Yes, YOU DID---- YOU DID, LORD!

Even though I was praying. And I prayed, Lord, loud! You KNOW how loud I can pray when I'm upset..... And then I also did what AA recommends recovering alcoholics do when they're in trouble. I contacted other recovering alcoholics about my deepening depression and ever-darkening mood.

I wrote emails to a couple of really good friends in AA (in a town I formerly lived and worked in) , who are recovering alcholics like me--- to ask about "how to get out of these dark moods that a sober alcoholic in recovery faces".....

And the responses I got, Lord? You know perfectly well what responses I got.


Okay, and about that nurse, Lord? She was a bright and funny girl!!! A joy to be around! And she was a nurse I used to work with. I liked her and and You dang well know it, Lord!!!!!!! So thanks a dang lot! What on EARTH in her life could have been so painful that she couldn't have reached out for help? WHAT? But..... I KNOW WHAT PAIN is.....that's just it----it's simply FRIGGING PAINFUL to LIVE ON THIS EARTH is what it is! SO LORD, AND I ASK YOU----WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME, LORD? HUH? HOW MUCH MORE DO YOU WANT ME TO HURT??? AND HOW MUCH IS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR YOU TO STOP THIS?

PAIN I know. Boy, do I know pain.

And if that wasn't enough of additional misery for me to face this week---WHAT ELSE HAPPENED???? YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT HAPPENED, LORD......

My beautiful, beautiful mockingbird family. The mama, the daddy and the four precious little babies......

One by one, night after night, ALL FOUR FRIGGING BABIES WERE PICKED OFF BY SOME PREDATOR, PROBABLY AN OWL. And then one night, the LAST TWO were taken....

I cried each day as the numbers of babies went down.....EACH DAY I CRIED, LORD. And I know you heard me.....because I called to You. I called out in agony to YOU every night--- and I cried out to YOU to protect those precious, innocent babies from night predators!!! Look at them, Lord---look how sweetly they slept at night!!!!! And I BEGGED YOU FOR THEIR PROTECTION!!!!!



Goddang it, did ya have to take my little birdies?????.... Count 'em, Lord---COUNT THEM.......

Four were born:

Then there were three:

Then there were two:

And then......and then......there came the day that I bawled my eyes out, knowing!, and climbed up onto the chair and found this:.......

Okay, God, wasn't it YOU who said in the Bible that the birds would "not worry about their next day" and that humans should follow their lead?

Let me quote it for Ya, Lord, so that You know that I REALLY DO read the dang Bible: Matthew 6:19-34 says (and he was on of Your biggest buddies): "I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

Well, Your Word must be true Lord, because guess what? THE DANG MOCKINGBIRDS ARE ALREADY BUILDING ANOTHER DANG NEST ON MY BALCONY!!! And I don't want them to because everybody knows that predators will hunt as long as there's a food supply, dammit! You think I want to go through that heartbreak again????? Haven't I been through enough? And so again I ask, LORD---HOW MUCH MORE PAIN ARE YOU GOING TO ASK OF ME?

So what happened, Lord? What happened to Your promise of not putting any more burdens on me than I could stand?

What in the hell happened?

My patients, my friend, my sweet baby birds.....


And what do You care?

This is how You care:

I'm craving a drink is how You care.....

Many recovering alcoholics will describe in AA meetings how the haunting and deadly "call of alcohol" sounds to them. To some, it sounds like a beautiful woman beckoning them. To some, it is like their own rational thought telling them that it "won't hurt just this one time....".

But to me? I'll tell ya what it sounds like to me, Lord.

It sounds like a good lookin' bartender. He's standing there at the bar, holding out his gorgeous muscular arm towards an empty barstool--- and he's talking to me. That gorgeous guy is saying:

"Hey there, Bo! Thought you'd never come back, honey! Sit down and have a drink, baby, cuz I got just the ONE for you! It'll fix everything. Yeah, it'll fix everything, Sugar! You won't have no more worries or troubles because good ole Mr. Booze is gonna act like the Calgon Man in all of those Calgon advertisements ----and take you away from all of your troubles!"

You know what, Lord? I realize that You gave me strength. Yes, you gave me certain strengths.

You gave me a strength for defending weak, sick patients. Hell, I am strong as an ox when it comes to defending the underdog---especially if they're a weak and ill patient. I can defend them all day long without breaking a sweat. I can beat the hell out of anybody who would try to hurt them.

Poor people? Yes, I can defend them. I've been poor myself at times. And I WILL defend them.

Non-insured, defeated, hopeless, and uneducated patients? Yep---I can whup anybody's ass who insults them or ridicules them. These people deserve to be treated as well as anybody else---and I will stomp the living shit out of anybody who ridicules or dismisses them as "unimportant".

Friends who are broke, scared, or feeling lonely? Yep, I'll defend them, too---I'll calm their fears , sit with them when they're afraid, and I'll loan them my last dime.

The miserable? YES---especially the miserable and downtrodden people who used to come to my ER's. Yep, I defended them, too. I took care of them with all the strength I possessed. I loved them all and prayed for them when they died. Everybody in any of the ER's I worked in knew better than to treat one of my patients like crap.....

But ME, LORD?????????


Because I cannot protect my own stupid self, Lord, and so you better LISTEN and LISTEN GOOD. Because I need some help right now.

I am in a fix and I'm going to say something to You that I never thought I would. I'm going to sass You and it hurts me to do it, but here it goes:


(And no I'm NOT afraid of that thunder and lightning storm you just started outside my window......)

(....well, maybe just a little bit...... It was kind of weird how it started right when I yelled at You. Okay, I'll shut up now....I was finished anyway.....)

* * * * * * *

Whatever happened to Emilia Earhart?

Who holds the stars up in the sky?

Is true love once in a lifetime?

Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

Someday we'll know if love can move a mountain,

Someday we'll know why the sky is blue,

Someday we'll know.....

("Someday We'll Know", The New Radicals)



Mark p.s.2 said...

re: the patients, you know they were going to die, it was a matter of when. Sorry the deaths didn't go according to plan.

re:The baby birds. You took the chance of getting attached to them, it was good at first, but the horror of natures "eat or be eaten" caught up with you. Sorry about that as well.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there, Bo ... remember the joy and the love, and hang onto it for dear life ... because sometimes it's the ONLY thing that "makes sense" when nothing else about life does.

Can you put a "cover layering" over where the nest is to provide some "shelter" from that darn predator for the next babies? Just a thought ...

Sending love from MN!

T-Mom said...

Bo, I'm not religious, but I do know about depression. Believe me, I'm an expert on depression. Surviving mostly consists of finding something to get you from one day to the next--or hour, or sometimes even minute. Sometimes you need some help. Here's my prescription for you:

1. Go to Light a black candle and ask for a break in the negativity in your life. Then light a white candle and ask for light and guidance to get you the heck out of this.
2. Get your new-baby knitting. Go to the movie store and get 2 Bette Davis movies--Dark Victory and Now Voyager--and West Side Story. Get yourself a supply of your favorite, deepest comfort food. Now is not the time to worry about calories.
3. Take all of the above to a friend's place. Sit. Knit. Eat. Talk. Watch movies. Cry.
4. Remember what Scarlett O'Hara said: Tomorrow is another day.

This will not fix everything and make it all go away, but it will get you through the night so that tomorrow you can take a deep breath and maybe find a light and something to smile about.

The Ts send wags and kisses. I'm going to go light some candles and send some hang-in-there vibes to a friend.

Warrior Knitter said...

Oh, BO. My heart hurts for you.

Sending virtual hugs (LOTS!), and virtual hand holding and virtual hot, sweet tea and virtual good chocolate and virtual excellent yarn to pet.

Bo... said...

Thanks, you guys. I mean it.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorey you are going through such a rough time, Bo. Hang in there. The one thing you can count on is that circumstances will change. Whenever I'm in a rough patch I find it comforting to read the Book of Job.

Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Bo,

I feel your pain.

I once read this story of a mother who just lost her son in an accident. She soon found herself asking God saying, "God, where where you when my son died? Why did you not protect him? If You're so great, why did you let this happen to me?" and then it hit her, an impression in her mind that said, "Where were you when my only Son Jesus died on the cross and suffered for your sins?" She then realized that despite all the hurt she's going through, she found peace in the knowledge that yes, Jesus did go through the hurt, He did go through the pain, and He does know what we are going through because He's gone through them Himself when he walked with us about 2000 years ago.

Oftentimes it's easy to blame God for all our misfortune, I know, I used to do this--a lot. Let's not forget, there is a devil out there too. His main order of business is to make our lives miserable. We are God's children and the only way the devil can hurt God is to hurt God's children. One day it will end, but for now all we can do is trust in Him. He has our best interest in mind. Hang in there Bo, gold is purified by going through fire. You're gold Bo, remember that!

Anonymous said...

There are times when I too have been angry at God, and yelled, then cursed, then yelled again - I find that God does give you the strength/help you need to get through everything, although sometimes you don't recognize it until the crisis has passed. Usually I find the strength that saved me was not my own, but came in the form of friends and loved ones that listened (and prayed)until the storm was over.

I too will say a prayer for you.

Anonymous said...

Hey, yo. Methinks Bo needs to "think, think, think" and MAYBE get some perspective. Your stories make my heart bleed too...but drinking would be like pouring Miracle-Gro on the sadness. God probably isn't going around killing patients and baby birds just to bother you, and his future plans will likely not be influenced if you drink at him. Keep a-shoutin' it out on the blogosphere or wherever else you feel OK about it. If it's true that pain shared is pain halved, then you're breaking it up pretty good here. Poor birdies. :(

Anonymous said...

Bo, what can I say? except for you to please remember all your friends out here in cyber-land who are rooting for you to get thru this terrible time. We love you, and are sharing your pain.

Dorothy said...


I think somedays God gets me mixed up with someone else, and gives me their load to carry. But, it always gets better.

Do things that bring you real comfort and joy, pay no attention to that good looking bartender, he's just the devil's advocate.

Be strong. Remember, you have lots of readers supporting you.

Bo... said...

Again---I thank you all. Your good wishes and support means more than you can know.

danielle said...

Bo - hang in there girl! It is darkest before the light...
I like the idea of breaking out some new baby knitting - where is that biker baby sweater we all want to see? to celebrate the new life coming?
You have honored these people by caring for them when they needed it - and sharing their stories so that many more will remember them then they ever thought about - now is the time to indulge yourself by some soaking in a bubble bath - watching some good soak in the pain movies and starting a new project.
It is a shame about the babies - but as someone else said - it is nature - and in a way, it has enabled some other natural beings to live on...And you have some wonderful National Geographic style photos to remember them by!
Hugs - hugs - and more hugs!

Knitting Rose said...

Bo - I feel so bad that I wasn't there yesterday when you needed someone. I know I am only a virtual friend -but I care so much about you and yours. Yes we have pain - yes it is unfair - yes it hurts and bites and is terrible. I understand getting mad at God because he is a sneaky fellow and fixes things in ways that teach me too much and hurt too much. but there is wonderful too. The pull of the alcohol is tough - you can get through it - I know you can. I know it. You can yell at God - he understands and he is a big boy and can handle it. He might yell back - but he loves us just like a daddy. He wants us to be strong and lean on him when necessary but he is also there when we are crying and bawling. sometimes just to listen to us cry. it hurts him when we hurt too - just like it hurt our earth daddy when we skinned a knee. I am not trying to say this is just a skinned knee - you know better than that. grab on to the pretty things and hold on to the rainbows - those are our promises that things will be ok in the end. hugs to you

mielikki said...

sending good thoughts from California, as well. There is no where to go but straight up, or sideways. I don't recommend the sideways route, its not usually as pleasant. . .

Deacon Barry said...

I am so sorry that a whole lot of bad stuff just hit you all at once. The best thing you can do right now, is what you've done which is to rage at the tempest through your blog. Hopefully after this dark time, the sun will shine through again, and some good stuff will happen to balance things out.

Zenknitter LesleyD said...

Bo, Friday night it all crashed down on me.... (I'd rather tell you in an email the details) my strength to get through the day gave out. Right there in front of my daughter I lost it! I cried & cried and called family members and cried to them, I then wept. Not just any weep mind you, but a soul cleansing, weep. ONe that took all the sadness away that had been built up in my heart. I felt better but then my mom called, she came and picked up my and sym and took us to her place. I cried some more there too. I think I got it all out of me but I know it will return. I've been better since (I know it is only sunday) but I do feel better. I hope to continue to feel better about the source of my built up of sorrow. Don't go to the drink. It only leaves you with a head ache and swollen eyes that everyone will ask/think (what is up with that one?!)
Big hugs lady!!! turn all that build up into a beautiful sweater! or blanket or socks! Something!!!

Anonymous said...

Keep yelling, Bo. We hear you.

Taueret said...

aw, crap. I hear your pain. Don't have that drink. You are strong, you *can* bear it. You *are* bearing it.

Clare said...

Bugger Bo,

Don't drink, Think. You have the strength for yourself, it's just hiding. go and put your ruby slippers on and watch the Wizard of Oz. Knit some yummy yarn up and think of the wonderful lives the people lived and familys they have and yes even the little birds that brought a smile to your face. They were all here and gone for a reason. You just don't know what it is just yet.
Look for the joy, even though it is hard to find at times. Alcohol just robs you of sooo much, its not worth it. Eat chocolate instead. Want a Tim Tam?

Anonymous said...

Love and hugs to you, Bo, from a bird loving recovering obese.

Anonymous said...

Come on, Bo, let us know you are all right (more or less).

Wanna laugh? The bank I have worked for for 22 years has just been bought by another. One of the things they have to do is take our photos to put on our NEW security cards. I went to the photo room this afternoon and presented my ID. They had me print my name with a marker on a piece of paper along with my new ID number and the name of the department I work in. Then I had to sit down in the armless chair with a big blue background on the wall behind me, and hold this piece of paper up in front of my chest while they took my photo. This will be just like a "mug shot"! I started laughing, and couldn't stop so I guess my photo will show a silly, giggling old lady on my security card.

Sometimes you just have to see the humor in the situation, and that's what I did.

poody said...

Oh man, I am sorry about the little birdies. But hey they are making another nest so they know they are relatively safe by you. The Lord works in mysterious ways my friend. Who knows what the lady in the hospital had to do before she could climb that golden stairwell to the Lord? Remember when you feel all alone the Lord is with you always.

Anonymous said...

Okay, it isn't going to do any good to tell you that they are in a "better place", 'cause it's hard to see that when we are here. Could it be the baby birds are now keeping your former patients and friend company?

Just a thought.

Prayers going to you and now I know why I've been thinking of you for the last couple of days.

Lisa H in Kansas

Mary said...

Sorry this is late, but it still needs to be said. I'm sending you many hugs and prayers. I usually just read your blog with great enjoyment, but now is the time to delurk and show you that I care. I have depression too. The best thing to do is go to a family member's or friend's house and distract yourself any way you know how. I know you have the strength to stay away from that poison alcohol! You are always caring for others, allow them to do the same for you.

Brewgal said...

We're here for you, Bo.

Katherine said...

My DS has been sober for 10 years, and still struggles with it everyday. He said to me, "I guess God knows I am stronger that I believe I am." We all get angry with God at times. He hears us and understands. I think He knows you are stronger than you think you are! You have a lot of friends and and lot of love around you. We are all praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I love reading your blog :) I read it religously everyday! I wanted to say that Im praying for you, And I wanted to say thank-you for linking my blog Just Me. If you've checked in recently you might have noticed that my blog is moving. Here is my new address: The blog is titled "Set me Free". Thanks again. :)

auntbear said...

Ohhhhh...Bo, the stress sounds like its cookin' ya. Do you have a spa in Podunk? Goddess knows,a massage and some down time might be a good thing. I think you worry and work yourself to a frazzle sometimes. Any hoo we loves ya.This too shall pass.....

Anonymous said...

Bo, I was checking today to see how you are doing, and I had a very strange thought.

Have you ever heard Bill Cosby do his Noah routine? If so, you will then understand because I heard God's voice going, "Noah, how long can you tread water?" Then Cosby (as Noah) talks about how he was letting the animals loose, etc., then it starts to rain and he says "Just me and you, Lord, because all along I knew it was you and me".

I understand that humor isn't probably what anyone wants to read feeling like crap, and chalk it up to some very strange time intensive clients, but...

Lisa H in Wichita

Anonymous said...

No time to read all the comments, so maybe this has been said before... but this: "Mr. Booze is gonna act like the Calgon Man in all of those Calgon advertisements ----and take you away from all of your troubles!"

You know full well that Mr. Booze will NOT take away all your troubles and will in fact create more.

I know you have troubles now. I understand that you are hurting pretty badly, but please don't bring yet another huge enormous trouble onto yourself!!!

Think of how hard it will be to kick it again. You don't need that.

I'm not that religious, but I've always looked at it this way - God has nothing to do with the bad things that happen to us in the course of our lives. We pray to gain strength to deal with disappointment and pain.

I'm sorry that all of this has happened to you all at once. I'll be thinking of you. Hang in there.

IndieRN said...

Have strength. I am not particularly religious, but I do believe in karma and the circle of life. Death is as much a part of life as birth. I find, as an RN, that the things we do to people in the name of keeping them alive more horrible than many natural deaths. Just because we can doesn't mean we should.
We should honor death as we celebrate birth and allow that person to pass on and remember how that person impacted our lives. Sadness in the passing, relief in the knowledge that the suffering has ended.
As for your birds. Hmmm. Nature is so brutal. Each time I see nature in all it's brutality,it reminds me that humans are not that far removed from the lower animals. It reminds me to act kindly and humanely. In nature it is truly a food chain. I struggle to understand why the "advanced" animal known as man continues to prey upon his fellow man as if it were a food source. Man's inhumanity to man is far more perplexing to me than the natural occurance of the circle of life.
Buck up, grieve the loss and move on to your purpose in life. There is much work to do on this planet before we too pass.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Bo, I wish I could reach out and take some of your pain away. Just try and remember that self-medicating with alcohol to kill the pain is not a long term solution, it just leads to more problems down the road. Here's a big e-hug for you, and if you need more yarn, I can destash some.

Mockingbirds - could you take some old CD's, like AOL's, melt a hole in one edge and tie them somewhere on your balcony? That's supposed to scare away owls, and usually mockingbirds are fearless.

Remember you have a lot of people, both e- and virtual, who care for you and are trying to send you all the positive energy they can spare.

Please try and hang in there. My mantra in the past, when I could not see any daylight down in the well of despair, as I scrabbled with bleeding fingertips, was: This too shall pass. It can be so hard, though.

HTH, love, aj

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Anonymous said...
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Cyndy said...

Bo, you are gold. After this tragic chain of events, you will have changed shape yet again. Because that's the way it works. But better and stronger each time. You know all the answers; it's just so hard to access them when you feel so sad, blue, powerless and angry.

You know that patients go in threes. But the real tragedy is that your lovely lady wasn't able to go on her own terms, even though it was specified and legal. What do we have to do to ensure that our rights and wishes are followed? It never seems to make any difference. Arrogant man and his hippocratic oath always think that they know better....

I'm sorry about your lovely birdies, too. But they do seem to like to be near you.

I'll expect a post soon, eh? Missing you, Bo ;0(

Runs With Scissors said...

Hang in there, Bo. Sending prayers and warm thoughts your way.


Anonymous said...

My prayers are with you Bo. Life many times is not at all fair. It's so hard to get attached to things that God sends, that are then just taken away in an instant. No one knows why it happens, but it sure doesn't seem fair. I often wonder if it's to make people stronger, but dam but how strong do some people need to be??!!
Thank you so much for blogging, you help more people than you know.
Hugs, Paula

may said...

sorry to hear about the birdies. and your struggles. so raw. so real. thank you for sharing them. i think you know by now that reasoning with God did you good. i am sending you warm thoughts. hang in there:)

Anonymous said...

Oh, Bo, i'm so sorry. ): I was looking forward to more good mockingbird news. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

i dont know if i have posted on here or not...and i forget how i came to your blog. but i have been reading for awhile...
i just wanted to send you a big hug and a lot of love from a fellow nurse... ok, i am not an RN, yet, but i am a nurse in my heart and that means when someone is hurting, it makes my heart hurt and want to reach out and try and comfort that hurt.

RIP little birdies
RIP 3 beloved patients

GO AWAY handsome bartender.

sending you love and strength...


Anonymous said...

I hope you're feeling better. Life can be so hard and depressing, believe me, I know. There are so many people that care about you tho. Some like me that you've never even meet, but are very inspired by your blog. Bo, you are in my prayers. For some reason, I'm thinking a lot about you tonight. Please let us know you're around and coping with all the struggles life sends.
God Bless you, you help others in so many ways, that you don't even realize.
Thanks for being you,

Anonymous said...

Hey, Bo, how are you doing? Hope you're hanging in there ...

Anonymous said...

Ok Bo....I am getting worried about recent post to let us know that you are surviving...please post soon and let us know how you are doing!

poody said...

Bo, every day I come by to check on you and still no word! RU OK??

czaitz said...

Wow- I just finished putting the lyrics to this Wailin Jennys song on my blog because this song is so very beautiful and haunting, and then I read your post and nearly cried for all of us who've had (are having) days and weeks and periods of time like this, and we all know in the back of our minds it will pass, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.

Where do you go little bird
When it snows, when it snows
When the world turns to sleep
Do you know, do you know
Is there something in the wind
Breathes a chill in your heart and life in your wings
Does it whisper 'start again'
Start again

Where is the sun in the night
Is it cold, is it cold
Does it feel left behind
All alone, all alone
Does it wander through the dark
Does it wait for the dawn, wish on a star
Does it stray very far
Very far

Where is your home restless wind
Is it there, is it here
Do you search for a place to belong
Search in vain, search in fear
Or is your spirit everywhere
Is your voice every tree
Your soul of the air
If there's no home is there no death
Is there no death

I don't know if you use music to help you, but if so, this has helped me get through my latest depression. When I'm feeling really wickedly depressed, I'll listen to "we'll never get out of this world alive." Because as Depeche Mode sang, I think that god's got a sick sense of humor.

Seriously, hang on to the fact that this too shall pass, and the sun will shine again. It has to. Meanwhile there is great power and strength in the storms of life, and in our getting through them.

tottergirl said...

Hugs around you, Bo! We miss you, please send us a message to let us know you are ok. Keep hanging in there, lots of us are on your side.

Lin said...

Hello Bo,
You know from your counter stuff that I've been visiting for quite a while now. I enjoy your posts because I've been there, done that, and got the Tee shirt in many ways. I like your style of writing. I appreciate how you feel for and with your patients. You are good, girl, you know it, I know it, patients know it.
Now for the uncomfortable stuff. All these folks above me have been warm and fuzzy in their support of you. We all care about you, there's no doubt. But I am not so diplomatic. We have patiently waited to hear that you are a.) OK or b.) hungover and not telling or c.) sitting in a corner having a pity party or d.) somewhere in between all of the above. Now, you can ignore me but at least give some consideration to the others. They're worried.
I know that life is hard. None of us is given an easy row to hoe even if it looks that way to others. Some of us have extra hard rows. You know: the ones that go "Life's a b****, and then you die." for real. I'm sorry you've got one of those rows for the moment. But it's time to finish the row and move on.
Your patients need you at full capacity. If you dwell on the losses too long you're going to forget about all the good folks you still have. That's when errors occur. Noone wants or needs that. Pull yourself up, see a doctor for meds if you need, face it all and march on. And let your friends out here on the 'Net know it.
I'm sure I've overstepped the bounds of a commenter but I felt that maybe you could use a different perspective. I do wish you well in every sense of the word. Publish or not, the message is for you.

With love,