Tuesday, March 08, 2011

It May Not Be The Most Effective Grocery Shopping Method, But We're Used To It...

It's a rainy day.....and here I sit in my knitting chair, knitting. And I'm also pondering something else...


Now there's an interesting creature if I've ever seen one. There's a lot of eccentric qualities he has, but I'm only going to talk about the one that drives me the most bonkers.

And that is the fact that he is a champion grocery shopper. If there's ever made an Olympic sport for grocery shopping, he will win the Gold Medal hands down. (And I swear that the next paragraphs are the God's honest truth about how the two of us go about getting most of our groceries--it's Blaine's preferred method, not mine.)

Here's a typical day:

Blaine calls after work, from his cell phone---he's calling from the grocery store: "Bo, do we need anything?"

Me, from my knitting chair: "Let me look...." at which time I search the refrigerator and cabinet. Then I come back: "Yes, we need crackers, onions, 2 bottles of Vlasic Zesty dill pickles, lemons, a bag of frozen shrimp, and a red bell pepper."

We hang up. Of course, he doesn't write down the list.

Next, the phone rings again. It's Blaine. He says something like: " I'm on the pickle aisle. Do you HAVE to have these stupid Vlasic Zesty dill pickles? They are so expensive you wouldn't believe it, especially since you want not one but TWO jars. But there is a huge jar of pickles in another brand than Vlasic, and it is very inexpensive."

Me: "Yuk, I hate those other stupid dill pickles. They're crap. I love my Vlasic Zesty pickles and I go through one jar very quickly. That's why I want two jars of them."

I can hear him sighing into the phone. We hang up.

Sure enough, he calls back a little later. Blaine: "DAMMIT. I was so busy getting some interesting looking salad dressing and some ketchup that I went on for a few more aisles--- and I realized I had forgotten the pickles! Now I have to go all the way back to that aisle to get your damn pickles!" And he hangs up on me.

A little while later, he calls again, from the coffee aisle: "Hey, how low on coffee are we?"

Me: "Low. And the way we go through coffee you'd best get some more."

Blaine: "What do you think about Costa Rican coffee this time?"

Me: "I don't care what kind of coffee we have. Whatever you pick is always good." We hang up.

Then Blaine calls YET AGAIN.

Blaine issues an edict: "I'm taking a stand. Stop making me go back & forth in here!!! From now on, organize the grocery list so that it follows the flow of the grocery store's aisles. For example, put all the produce first, because I go through that section first. Then tell me anything needed on the ketchup, salad dressings, chow chow, and pickles aisle. Then comes the canned goods aisle, like for soups, beans, etc. Then comes the rice/pasta/dried beans aisle. Then I cruise the meat section. Next comes the dairy section and then comes the bread aisle. If, per chance, you want frozen goods they are right after the rice aisle. So-- tell me---you ARE going to do that way of organizing the groceries list in the future, right?"

Me: "You have got to be kidding me." This time I hang up. But he calls back.

Blaine: "No, I'm not kidding! Because while I was in the dairy section you told me about needing lemons!!! Goddang, Bo! Now I have to go all the way back to the damn produce section to get your damn lemons!"

Me: (Not having a good comeback so trying to think up a rather weak one.) "Hey, why can't you write the list down when I first tell you what stuff we need instead of calling me on every aisle? And by the way, you complained about the cost of my Vlasic Zest dill pickles. And yet I know you've probably spent about $14.00 on less than a pound of imported coffee. "

And then we get into a war of who wants the most expensive grocery items. I'm always curious about the thoughts of other shoppers who are hearing him bark into his cell phone things like: "Your stupid red bell pepper is way more expensive than the green ones! And how much have you spent on yarn this month young lady?"

But a little later (after we both tire of the "you spend more than me" game) he redeems himself. I always tell him to hit the magazine aisle to tell me which new knitting magazines are there. (And the magazine aisle is the other side of the pickle aisle so he doesn't mind stopping there.) One time, after he told me of a particular magazine, I said: "OH, I want it!" And then he actually had a second thought and said: "Wait---go look at your magazines---I think I bought this one for you already."

I ran to check---and sure enough, he was telling the truth! He HAD bought me that particular knitting magazine. The fact that he remembers little things like which knitting magazine he bought me causes me to realize that he is surely my knight in shining armor. How can I complain about the little things when he is such a sweetheart? (I call him Sugar Bear, which he puts up with, which is another one of his good qualities.....)

And the rain goes on......and I know that around 3:30 pm he'll call me from the grocery store.....and I need a couple things.....




danielle said...

Have to comment on your tweet (since I dont twitter). Years ago, hubby went to MD after work. Got put into the exam room - he laid down on the table and fell asleep (i hate the man - he can fall asleep within seconds anywhere). All of a sudden he woke up - thought the place sounded too quiet - sure enough, they had forgotten about him and closed up the office and left (apparently they dont clean exam rooms before they leave for the night!!). Now me, I ate waiting, so a few minutes after they close the exam room door, I open it....after we play that game for a few times (they come by and close it again) I tell them the room is too small and I am getting claustophobic....I have never been forgotten!

Bo... said...

Wow, Danielle! Your poor hubby! I can't imagine such a negligent thing happening to a hapless patient! I'm afraid my temper would have taken a little stroll to the Dr. who runs that office! I bet the nurses forgot to put the patient's (your hubby's) chart in that slot by the exam room door that signals the doctor that there's a patient in there. Sheesh!

Anonymous said...

OMG This post is "hilarious"!

Bo... said...

Thank you, Anonymous!

danielle said...

well, can I jsut say that that doctor was NOT a favorite and he switched doctors shortly after! LOL

Bo... said...

I don't blame him, Danielle!!!

Anonymous said...

What a wonderfully dysfunctional method of grocery shopping!

Efficiency is (well... efficient, but) boring. :)


Bo... said...

Hi Lora! And don't believe him whwen he gripes---he truly likes grocery shopping!