Monday, November 26, 2007

Saving Private Bo

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The "Sniper's Prayer" From The Movie "Saving Private Ryan":

Be not that far from me, for trouble is near;

haste Thee to help me.

Blessed be the Lord my strength,

which teacheth my hands to war,

and my fingers to fight.

My goodness, and my fortress; my high tower,

and my Deliverer; my shield,

and He in whom I trust;

who subdueth my people under me.

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Oh my God, I trust in thee:

let me not be ashamed,

let not mine enemies triumph over me.....

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This is my final posting for awhile...

As you know, I am still having problems with alcohol. Since I have struggled with this demon for quite awhile, and continue to have problems despite attending AA and working that program, I have chosen to enter a severe, two-year, rehabilitation program in Baton Rouge.

It is one of the campuses of the Cenikor program. Here's the website if you're interested.

Cenikor has programs in Fort Worth and Houston in Texas--- and Baton Rouge in Louisiana. (They are planning a program in Atlanta.)

As I said above, I will be entering the Baton Rouge program. I guess I thought I'd feel more "comfortable" over there since my mother and her family is originally from Louisiana. At least I speak the language. (I can switch back and forth from my father's Texan drawl to my mother's soft, slower, "Lusian Southern" at will, heh.)

Cenikor is not for the faint-of-heart. It is a brutal, strenuous, "in-your-face" program which causes some people to "shiver at the thought". But I am going to go and give it my best shot.

(I figure NOTHING could be more dreadful than the convent nursing school I attended years ago, when I used to pray to The Lord: "Look Lord, I ain't no quitter. So could you please allow them to figure out a way to throw me out?")

But I don't intend to get thrown out of Cenikor. I am going there to do battle with my disease. And when I say battle, I mean just like the opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan". To me, my alcoholism is a foe as vicious and as killing as the enemy fighters in that scene.

And I say that because, over the years, I have buried many good friends and family who lost their own battles with alcoholism or drug addiction. I won't tell you their stories, but trust me---they died horrible deaths and they died young. I still miss them so very terribly. And so, like a fellow soldier and comrade-in-arms, I have decided to "pick up the flag" they each dropped as they died----and carry it as I keep on running forward on the battlefield, towards a hoped-for victory. But the statistics are bad for me. This awful disease may get me yet---despite the warrior skills I intend to deploy. I may die young myself. I have instructed my family to prepare for that possibility.

But, like a guy I heard speak at an AA meeting the other night, I'm going to give it the "fight of my life". I won't go down easy....

And who knows, I may triumph. Who can know the future.

I don't know if the Cenikor program allows computer privileges. Probably not. They take 45 days just to orient you to the program. Then you must work hard and earn privileges. So I'm not sure if I'll be blogging for awhile...

Anyway, farewell for awhile, dear friends. Wish me luck. And please know that I will think of all of you for the entire time I am at Cenikor. Really--- I will. And I will return to you at some time in the future, and we can chat again.

Belinda and Bonnie are going to write me--- and my good mother has promised to send me "care packages".

I am packing a separate suitcase with knitting supplies because apparently, after my 45-day orientation, I will be allowed to begin working and earning privileges--- and may be able to use a little free time after such things (and other program activities) to knit for relaxation.

(If knitting is one of the so-called "privileges", I will DEFINITELY become the model prisoner...I mean resident, heh.)

(And I'm taking the "good yarn". I took some Kauni, Noro, Opal, Regia, and other nice yarns. Hell, two years?......maybe 3 hundred socks and a couple of sweaters, right?)

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P.S.: Speaking of Noro, I have been wearing some of my Kureyon socks around the house---and that yarn definitely softens up with wear.

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65 comments:

Cynthia Martin said...

Goodbye, Good Luck, and God Bless. Will be missing you, praying for you, and waiting for your return.

Duckie said...

Thank you Bo for sharing your life with us, I wish you well, and will be praying for you to become victorious against alcoholism!!

Bev said...

I admire your honesty and your spirit. May your higher power guide you on this journey. You have a talent for writing. I hope that journaling, (even on paper with a pencil!) can help you through this.
God Bless.

Georgi said...

God bless you on your journey!

Anonymous said...

Bo, I have really been missing you. Right now I am battling a disease similar to yours. I am a gambling addict. My husband just went back to work after a long time at home. I am agoraphobic, so I enjoyed having him home with me. Today is my first day without him in a long time. The urge to go to our local casino is killing me. We have $30 in the bank and I want to go into overdraft just to have money to go. That is the one place I can go out in public with no fear. I understand addictions. I have put myself on the disassociated persons list at the casinos. I risk being arrested for trespassing. You may find this funny compared to your life threatening addiction, but my problem is just as serious. I have attempted suicide several times after wasting mortgage money on my problem. Medication helps, but when I start feeling I can control things, I get off the medicine. I wish you the best. I would love to write to you while you are there, if that is possible. Nothing but positive thoughts, OK?

Sharon said...

Good luck and may God be with you. You are too much of a fighter to let alcohal win this battle. I will miss you but it will be worth the wait for your return as a healthy, drug free winner.

Cinder said...

I'm proud of you Bo for making this decision to fight for your life,if anyone can make it it's you.Positive thoughts and prayers,Bo.
You take care and fill us in when you can.

lheiserman said...

I admire your commitment to not giving up. You will not be alone. I will be praying for you as well. Please keep in touch as possible. If you want cards or such, please contact me.

paula said...

I wish you the best of luck!

aj, aka banphriosa said...

Bo,

Good for you. It will be hard, but it can be done. My first husband, after I had left, was up to the DTs and vomiting blood stage. I had been checking in on him, even though we were divorced, found him passed out and called his AA sponsor. We managed to get him into an inpatient facility. He has been sober for 35+ years - if he had started drinking again, he would be dead.

And thanks for letting us know that your silence is a positive sign. Will be sending you all the positive energy I can. A big e-hug to you. aj

SRR said...

Blessings and best wishes.

SRR said...

May the roads rise to meet you.
May the wind be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
The rain fall soft upon your fields
And, until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

lisamaesc said...

Bo, you need to do what is best for you. I'll be praying for you through this time in Louisiana. God bless you!

mielikki said...

Bo I am sure that you are 'man' enough not to let the bottle win. You are going in with the right attitude towards it. Please take care of yourself, and know that we will all frequently think of you, too.

Anonymous said...

Dear Bo,
You are a talented individual who has kept this work at home person out in the world. Your experiences have also kept me wondering what would happen next. Much luck in you journey. I have lost someone dear to addiction and pray you make it through

JMarshall

Warrior Knitter said...

Good Luck, Bo and God Speed. You won't be forgotten out here either. You'll continue to be in my prayers.

Mary said...

Bo, I'm going to miss you but best of luck to you. I, too, will pray for you. You have so many more stories and much more knitting in you to do before you give up on anything.

danielle said...

If you have the strength to enter this voluntarily, I have the faith that you will come thru to the other side. Take our thoughts and prayers with you - and maybe if you are not allowed to blog, Belinda and Bonnie can blog for you somehow and keep us updated!

If you are desperately in need of knitting supplies - let us know and you shall recieve!

Know that you go into battle, as do all our good warriors, with our thoughts - our love - our prayers -our hugs.

Mary said...

Good luck with your two year program, Bo. I work with people with addictions and see how devastating and hard to fight they are. I'll miss your brilliant and witty writing, but Ill know that you are doing the best thing for yourself. God bless you!

noallatin said...

Good luck, God Bless, and stay strong. The higher Power helps them who help themselves.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on taking action against this foe. I'll be praying for you to be victorious. God can make it so.

Charlotte

Anonymous said...

We love ya, so go do what you gotta do !!!!

Shauna said...

I, too will be missing you and praying for you. I have admired you from day one. I hope you accomplish what you are setting out to do. And hang on to that incredible sense of humour.

Shauna

Taueret said...

can you email me and share details so I can also send you a knitterly care package now and then?

tottergirl said...

Go with God, Bo! My prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

You'll make it. You are one brave and courageous lady. You are also a terrific writer. You have many people thinking of you and praying for you. I'll miss reading about your adventures.

Jean

Paula said...

Thank you for sharing your wonderful blog, I'll miss reading it. You're a very talented writer. You touch so many people. I wish you the very best life has to offer. I'll keep you in my prayers.
God Bless

Lily said...

Bo, I am so sorry that you have to do battle again with this demon. Try to love yourself through all this. Keep in touch if you are able. We're waiting for you to come back to us. Lily

Katherine said...

My prayers will be with you! You are a brave soul, and I know you will make this work for you. I will be waiting to hear of your success as you face a whole new world. God bless.

Janknitz said...

Wow, Bo! My thoughts and prayers go with you.

I hope that you can find a less stressful job that still allows you to do what you love when you're ready to return to the world.

Anonymous said...

We send you love & strength to continue the journey.

poody said...

Oh Bo I will keep you in my prayers and hey when you are ready to hit the road again I wish you would consider working by me for real! poodymu@yahoo.com write me sometimes! Let me know if you need anything at all I mean it gal I will send it along to you!

Alabamama said...

Bo, two years from now, I'll be looking for you back, posting with your delightful pen and camera, filling my life with hoots and laughter again. But you'll be whole and clear and better. And wiser. And alive. I can wait. You are in my prayers, dear friend.

caroline said...

I think that what you're doing is incredibly brave despite the fact that life hasn't given you too much choice about it. I wish you all the best, Bo, and send you all the love and light and healing wishes possible. Can't wait to see you come out the other side. you go, girl!

The other Vanda said...

Good luck, god bless.

LesleyD said...

I'm proud of you Bo! You are always in my thoughts and prayers hun!! If you can email from there, please email me anytime!!! You know getting help is the toughest step, I know when it is all said and done that you will come out on top, and in control! I will definitely miss you and your posts. So please email me!!! Don't forget to bring your red tea pot! ;-)

hope2brn said...

Goodbye Bo, Best of luck to you.
I hope to hear from you in the future I will be keeping a look out.
You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Amy

C. Zaitz said...

Wow, selfishly I will miss your always spicy, always caring and always funny perspective on life, and I bet the stories are only going to get more piquant, but first things first- your sanity and life. As a veteran of addiction and the OA rooms, I can't even imagine, from your description, what you're about to do, but you're obviously a tenacious and smart cookie, so I do wish you luck- the kind of luck that only hard work and perseverance will bring.

Cyndy said...

Yes Bo; write it all down. There's quite a book in you, Bodicea the Warrior Woman. A best seller, I'd reckon.

We're all going to miss you, Bo, but you have to do what you need to do. And you'll come out of that fire as burnished gold.

I'm leaving you bookmarked in my favourites, Bo.

Forward ho! xoxox

Hannah said...

I shall miss you. I'll save any horse pictures in a special folder until you return to the blog.With love, Hannah

Gail said...

Good luck. I hope everything works out.

MY OWN WOMAN... said...

I'm sorry to see you go, but I am glad about your decision. Your path will not be an easy one, but it is definitely the right one. Good luck and may God carry you when you are too weak to walk. I won't say goodbye..... but I will say.... until next time we meet on the blogosphere......

Knitting Rose said...

good luck & God speed. I will be praying for you and thinking about you...

Warrior Knitter said...

I know you're not able to track the blog, but just wanted to post that I've thinkin' about you and hoping all is well with you.

SeaSpray said...

Bo...I wish you well that you will find peace and total healing and deliverance and that you will come through this stronger than ever. I know this isn't easy. It takes tremendous courage and strength to admit there is a problem and even more to do whatever is possible to overcome it.

God calls us to be over comers. Remember...you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

God bless you Bo.

MY OWN WOMAN... said...

Yep, I'll miss you. Make sure you drop me a line on your blog to tell me when you are back. Good luck and may God bless all that you encounter.

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Julie said...

You will be missed!

Julie said...

You will be missed!

Warrior Knitter said...

It's been a month since your last post and here on the day after Christmas I'm thinking about you and wonder how you're doing.

Prayers and good wishes zooming your way. Hope you are well.

WK

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CresceNet said...

Gostei muito desse post e seu blog é muito interessante, vou passar por aqui sempre =) Depois dá uma passada lá no meu site, que é sobre o CresceNet, espero que goste. O endereço dele é http://www.provedorcrescenet.com . Um abraço.

DT35 said...

Hey, Bo! It's 1/9/08, so it seems as if your 45-day orientation period should be completed soon. Hope you have made lots of progress in the struggle against your demons, and that it won't be too long before we hear your feisty internet voice again.

Jay said...

I'll pray for you my friend-in-blog. God will guide you in all your hardships. Always be strong!

~ Jay of Philippinenurse http://philippinenurse.blogspot.com/

Warrior Knitter said...

Hey, Bo. Just checkin' the blog. Thinking about you how you're doing. Prayers and good vibes still a headin' that way.

Maggie said...

I will miss you, enjoy your road adventures so very much, will write if you send an address, will keep you in my prayers. Know the demon you battle, it crawled out of the bottle and into the grandpa who raised me...and who also gave me the best of himself in all he taught me.

Warrior Knitter said...

Hey, Bo. Just checkin' in again to say hey. Still thinking good thoughts and sending prayers your way.

flajol said...

Hi Bo,

I don't know if you get a chance to look in on your emails/comments. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending you the very best of best wishes. Hope all is going according to plan!

Warrior Knitter said...

Stopping by to wish you a Happy March 1. Hope you're doing well.

Notebooks said...

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Warrior Knitter said...

Hi again from WK. Winter's come and gone and Easter's slid by really early this year. Happy Spring!

Hope you're doing OK. Prayers still beaming your way. Still thinking about you.

hope2brn said...

I know that you are not posting here but I hope some how you are reading comments..I hope you are well.I miss reading your posts.
I wish you the best of luck!
Amy

Claudia said...

Thank you for sharing with us all, I wiosh you the best of luck, and know that through your determination you will lick this disease. Do keep a journal if they'll allow it, heck, you have such a turn of funny phrase - you might be able to turn it into a book!

Dan and Daphne said...

I still check your blog regularly! Miss ya!

noallatin said...

I think of you occasionally and I hope that you are successful in your fight. Good luck and may your higher power shower blessings upon you.