Tuesday, October 03, 2006

An Announcement by The Message Goat

Ahem. Ladies and Gentlemen: I have an announcement to make about The Road Nurse. She would have liked to have been here herself to make a blog posting but she has been extremely busy this week due to her upcoming move-- and also the fact that she's on call. And unfortunately, it's been a rather crazy week for Road Nurse. It all started well enough this week as she was very excited about getting the particular apartment she wanted. There are very few apartment complexes in her new podunk town, and even less "nice ones". So Road Nurse considered herself very lucky in that she did succeed in getting one of the nice places, which is a large 2-bedroom apartment with many ammenities, such as a very nice view from all its windows, a breakfast bar, a washer/dryer, two bathrooms, a big balcony, walk-in closets, and the fact that a cop lives in the apartment right under her. She's particularly thrilled because the landlady agreed to redecorate both bathrooms with new wallpaper and matching trims. And then Road Nurse was fortunate enough to have her wonderful mother offer to help her pack--which will save her a bundle in the move because she won't have to pay for packers. And furthermore, Road Nurse felt even more blessed with luck when her boss "put in a good word for her" ( in the custom of podunk towns) at the best beauty parlor in town for her hair coloring, straightening, and cuts. (Road Nurse was worried that she'd never find as good a stylist as her previous girl, Reba-Sue, who was a veritable miracle-worker with Road Nurse's stubborn hair but insisted on charging Road Nurse an arm and a leg for these services which Road Nurse continually complained about as being "worse than big city prices"...)

All of the above things made Road Nurse very happy--and she actually danced with glee, hollering: "Whoo-Boy, I'm riding a Gravy Train with Biscuit Wheels!!" But ladies and gentlemen, Road Nurse's glee was short-lived because Road Nurse then went on-call. And we all know how insane she gets whenever she's on-call. Sure enough, with all the preparations for moving going on with the added stress of being on-call, Road Nurse became discombobulated. (Which isn't a very short trip for her, if you want to know the truth...)

Thus, Road Nurse has been running around slightly crazy due to her current place being in disarray as she tries to work, yet also tries to continue her packing for the new place...

Road Nurse has tried to be organized about her packing, in order to make it easier for the unpacking, but it's been confusing and difficult to wade through all the tons of stuff that she's accumulated through the years. In fact, Road Nurse found out that she has waaaaaaay more "stuff" than she realized...

It took Road Nurse's poor mother one complete day just to pack her kitchen....

One thing about preparing for a new place, it always inspires craft-minded Road Nurse to change her decor.

Road Nurse was fiddling around with her handy-dandy drill and found out that she could remove the seats from her kitchen chairs. And then she got the bright idea to re-cover those seats with something that would match her new dining room. (She's thrilled to death to even be GETTING a place with it's own separate dining room....)

But she's unsure of what to cover the chairs with. She wisely discussed the issue with her mother, who is the all-time greatest interior decor expert ever known in the western part of the United States of America -- and she received in return several perfectly good suggestions regarding brocade or other designer-fabrics as options for the chair coverings.

But being the stubborn-mule bumpkin that she is, Road Nurse retorted with an ugly comment stating something along the lines of not wanting "any of that forty-five-dollar-a-yard crap and that she'd probably just get something from The Walmart Fabric Department", which made Road Nurse's mother sigh in resignation because, as a matter of fact, MOST of Road Nurse's decor is from Walmart....

(Road Nurse is not sure-- but after making that comment she thinks she caught her mother rolling her eyes behind her back.)

(It's a well-known fact around here that Road Nurse's poor mother gave up loooong ago on her daughter's strange penchant for Walmart decor, even though there's a perfectly good Dallas or Houston to shop in just a few zillion miles away.....)

(Road Nurse's mother really DID try very hard to raise her daughter with good taste, but a mother can only do soooooo much for a girl who thinks it's perfectly fine to eat cold Campbell's Soup out of the can with a spoon-- and who also never wore lipstick a day in her life, even to church....)

And finally, ladies and gentlemen, in addition to Road Nurse's life being more complicated and hectic this week due to being on-call while trying to pack, there have occurred several...er..mishaps...

In fact, the truth of the matter is that Road Nurse's life has been looking rather like a bad episode of "America's Funniest Home Videos" in the last few days. And Road Nurse is currently thanking her lucky stars that nobody actually WILL ever see a video of the particular events I'm talking about, which include the following scenarios (and please don't tell Road Nurse that I told you):

Road Nurse falling off the Witherspoon's front porch...

Road Nurse sideswiping the Jamison's mailbox....

Road Nurse almost running her own self into the ditch when she answered both her cell phone AND the on-call cell phone at the same time, leaving NO HAND for the steering wheel....

Road Nurse AGAIN falling off the Witherspoon's front porch.

Road Nurse accidentally knocking the ice cream out of her cone when she tried to shoo a bee out the Jeep's window...

Road Nurse being witnessed by everyone in Dairy Queen running down the road screaming and waving an empty cone after the above-mentioned bee dive-bombed her....

Road Nurse seeing patients all day long without realizing that she was sporting a large chili-dog stain on her uniform front...

Road Nurse cussing out her poor co-workers for not telling her about the chili-dog stain...

Road Nurse cussing out her co-workers AGAIN because their excuse for not telling her about the chili-dog stain was something to the effect of: "Well, you have chili-dog stains on you ALL THE TIME, so we figured you knew about it"...

Road Nurse tripping over a patient's grandbaby's toy truck and accidentally knocking a huge glass of buttermilk & cornbread all over the family's main platter of fried green tomatoes....

Road Nurse bitterly realizing that due to the ruination of the platter of fried green tomatoes, that she TOO would not get any of such fried green tomatoes...

Road Nurse embarassing her boss to death by not being able to stop laughing uncontrollably during a serious meeting just because the Aflac Insurance Lady accidentally used the term "bluebonnet plague" while making a presentation on insurance plans...

And to top it all off, ladies and gentlemen....(sigh)....

Road Nurse getting caught by a doctor saying a smart-aleck aside to her co-worker, not realizing that she was no longer on hold, i.e.: "This dadgum doctor's office has got me on hold till Jesus comes back"...

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, it has not been a pretty week for Road Nurse. Thus, we will adjourn for now to give Road Nurse a day or so to finish packing and get her act together. Refreshments will be served in the back pasture after this meeting. I have it on good authority that we will be having double-dipped ice cream cones from Dairy Queen---

But would the dang bees PUH-LEEZE refrain from dive-bombing until after such refreshments have been consumed????? THANK YOU!!!

* * * * *

P.S.

(If truth be known, Road Nurse's boss DID actually laugh the day following the Aflac Insurance Presentation, when Road Nurse quipped that the side effect of the "bluebonnet plague" was that one's hair would turn blue....)

5 comments:

masonhow said...

If you ask me, packing up all your belongings and moving has got to be worse than having the "bluebonnet plaque".

All kidding aside, good luck with the move. I DO hate moving (and cleaning), so my heartiest sympathy.Hope all goes smoothly and you get settled in quickly.

Alabamama said...

Hey, how about some knitted seat covers? That's got to be way up there on the cool list...far more precious than some of that yardage just anybody can buy. Oh dear, the only good thing about moving is, well, moving. Ahead. It keeps us evaluating what's best, or important, and choosing it rather than sticking with only the comfortable. Give yourself a pat for bravery, even if you did call in mama to help. Good call.

Duckie said...

This is an awesome blog, I'm adding to my fav list on my blog! ^_^ Hope the move goes good!

Deb said...

What are you on call for...the ER? That would explain your wackyness. Being on call can drive you to the goat farm and back! I'm on call for surgery and dispise my phone during that time and call it many obscene names.
Congrats on your new apartment. How much are they charging now days? Hope your mom helped ya move!

Mother Jones RN said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog. You write some darn funny stuff. I'm blogging at work, (shhhh, don't tell anyone) and when I get some time tomorrow, I'm adding you to my blog roll.

MJ.