Wednesday, October 06, 2010

An Ill Wind Blows Through Kansas....

*
Things are not good for me right now.

First of all, the heater is broken and I'm cold. The landlord is out of the country, on a Reserves mission in which he is a pilot, and so he's not in a very good position to help us right now. (His roommate texted him about our plight so we'll see what happens.)

I finally found my camouflage house socks, knitted with thick worsted yarn for warmth. They're a little tattered but still usable.

And, as you know, I'm in a complete donnybrook with my mother about Blaine's and my visit with her prior to my sister's wedding parties in Dallas. Basically, I told her that I didn't appreciate her breaking out the blender and having a marguerita party with Blaine while we were there....which I told her totally "triggered" a desire for alcohol in me that was ultimately in play when I relapsed and drank alcohol in Dallas during the two wedding party days. I had asked her not to do that prior to Blaine's arrival. I told her that I didn't mind them drinking their usual evening drinks but that a marguerita party with hard liquor flowing would sorely test my sobriety. (Yes, I know it's my own responsibility to stay sober---and I know that the whole world doesn't have to stop drinking because I can't drink. But I did make the mistake of thinking that my own mother would help me out in the matter by not serving tequila and triple sec in my face. ) But my request to her went in one ear and out the other---because the minute Blaine arrived, she began serving marguerita after marguerita to him, even going so far as to yell out: "Do you want salt on your glass, hon?" while making them.

So, after the whole weekend was over and Blaine and I came home, I emailed her of my confusion and frustration with what she had done. But my mother is incapable of accepting any blame. It's a trait she's had since birth. She also defiantly refuses to apologize for anything she's ever done. NO MATTER WHAT......my mother is incapable of seeing something she might have done wrong and subsequently apologizing for it.

So basically we're not speaking. I did send her emails asking "where the women went" who was so supportive of me not drinking. I reminded her of all the heartbreaking things she went through over the years when I was drinking my most heavily---and how she helped me through every step and was my biggest supporter in getting and staying sober. And that's the operative phrase....."had been my biggest supporter".....

But she saw nothing wrong with throwing Blaine a marguarita bash, blender whirring and all, when he came down for the couple of days prior to he and I traveling to Dallas---which I thought was especially heinous considering that I'd told my mother umpteen times that I dreaded going to the wedding event because of all the liquor that I knew would be consumed there.

She arrogantly emailed me back that (1) I am just trying to "control people"; and (2) that she can do as she pleases in her house; and (3) that she would not "bow down" to my "controlling" behavior.

Okay....

*

*

16 comments:

Meg said...

I know that you understand that you have to accept responsibility for your own actions. It would be real nice if your mother was willing to go the extra mile and help you out by temporarily altering her behavior a little bit to make that easier for you, though. I'm sorry that she didn't, and I know that must have made it a lot harder for you to get through the wedding and no doubt did contribute heavily to your relapse. No matter what anyone says to you, it's never controlling to ask for help, even if that help involves someone else's behavior. It's only controlling when you expect others to change their behavior for you. Sometimes people choose not to help, and there's nothing you can do about it. I don't know whether your mother was in the wrong, but I don't think she was as "in the right" as she could have been, either.

I can almost promise you, though, that you're never going to get her to admit any such thing (she sounds a bit like some of my relatives), and if you want to return to a harmonious relatonship with her, it might be best to try to forget about it. I know that's not what you want to hear right now, but sometimes it's just better to walk away than to go on banging your head against a wall.

I'll be thinking of you, and hoping that things will improve for you soon.

Bo... said...

Thank you so much, Meg.

Anonymous said...

There's a lesson in here. Don't ever assume people will do anything. And next time you go to Texas, stay in a hotel.

Anonymous said...

Have you ever wondered if Your Mum has a drinking problem?? Sounds like she's feeling defensive.

I don't think you were out of line to ask your Mom to go easy for your visit. If you went to your sister's HUGE wedding and expected hundreds of people to accomodate you, then I'd say you were delusional... but asking your Mom and Blaine to help you out a bit sounds reasonable to me.

What does Blaine have to say about his part in this?

Lora

Anonymous said...

BTW... does your Mother read the blog?

Lora (again)

Bo... said...

Thanks, Anonymous---I might do just that the next time I go down there.

Bo... said...

Hi Lora---it does seem that a lot of my family has issues around alcohol. Blaine wants the whole idea to be dropped, but it's awful hard to be dropped after the things she said to me when I told her I wished she hadn't served all those margueritas. I think my mother used to read my blog but I don't think she does these days.

Maggie said...

Bo, it wasnt' wrong or controling to ask your mom to have consideration for you. But some situations are never going to be easy or good situations for people battling alcholism. Anything with an open bar is high on that list, and family or friends that do a similar 'open bar' at their house.
I hope the landlord gets the heat fixed soon, hope that some time with your clays and yarns helps you get back that hard won peace you have been fighting to achieve.
In the meantime, you do have some solid people out here in cyber world who do care that you gain progress on staying sober.
Remember, when you learned to walk, you fell some, tripped some. When you learned to ride a bike, you again, had a wreck or two, but got back up. Once again, pull up the big girl panties, get back on that 'bike' and this time ride even further, we know you can do it.

aj said...

Bo,
Not really my business, and hope you are not offended, but . . .
She is your mother. She is older (obviously) and probably not as flexible. She did not intentionally deliberately sabotage you. She was also probably feeling left out, for whatever was going on that resulted in her not going to the wedding.
What are you hoping to gain? An acknowledgement of your hurt? Hurting her in turn? And did you have a discussion with Blaine in advance on his anticipated drinking?
They both do love you. And they both could have acted with more kindness and wisdom. Where do you want to go in your relationship with them, and do they add more to your life than they subtract? Please think things through before taking further action.
And have a virtual e-hug from me. Comments meant with love, and hope they come through that way.

Bo... said...

Aj & Maggie: Thank you very much! I really needed to hear your kind words!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Maggie. Process your hurt, pain, and sorrow yourself (and you will)....for no one else can do it for you. I have a hard time understanding Blaine's acceptance of all the drinks at your mothers....and him telling you to have a "real one" instead of a "virgin" screwdriver. Not his fault, but it seems far on the outside of support. I live with a recovering alcoholic....26 years married...he has relapsed three times...hard, hard, hard on all in the family. I appreciate your honest and raw account of your weekend. You will be okay. Look out for yourself...nourish yourself, appreciate yourself, and love yourself.

Kathy

Anonymous said...

an apple falls not far from the tree

Bo... said...

Thanks, Kathy!

Bo... said...

Anonymous---I just don't know...

Cindy/KS said...

I have been absent, but am finally catching up I think! I am sorry you relapsed, but you can & will overcome it. I do think your mother was in the wrong for making the drinks, especially after you asked her not to, but I also think Blaine was in the wrong for accepting & participating in them! Love goes both way & is supportive of those we love and not only did she not support you, but neither did he. I remember a cousin who married a man who was an alcoholic & she did similar things & then wanted to blame him for his having issues with it - not ever seeing how she was contributing to it all!

{{HUGS}} to you!

Bo... said...

Thank you, Cindy!